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VOL    VI 


UUNE      I  926 


NO.  II 


manca 


'l^-.»/St> 


c&c_c^  . 


(June 

^rice  25  Cents 


^'a  pearl  of  great  price 


// 


Tk)cky  Giants  three  times  as 
%h  as  the  Merf  Skysa-aper 

Soaring  1 ,800  feet  straight  above  the  black 
waters,  the  mighty  Capes  of  the  Saguenay  make 
man's  greatest  masterpieces  seem  puny  indeed. 

Viewing  these  rocky  giants  of  nature  from  the 
steamer's  deck,  you  are  held  spell-bound  by  the 
impressive  sight — one  of  the  many  wonders  of 
the  cruise, 

NIAGARA-TO-THE-SEA 

This  delightful  boat  trip  embraces  the  Thousand 
Islands   {Venice  of  America)  and,  after   the  exhil- 
arating thrill  of  shooting  the  St.  Lawrence  Rapids, 
seven  in  all,  you  arrive  at  cosmopolitan 
Montreal  and  historic  old  Quebec — with  its 
battle-scarred  parapets  to  remmd  you  of 
the   tumultuous   days  when  New  France 
was     the    prize  that  nations  fought    for.    / 

Finally  comes  the  mighty  Saguenay — with  its  giant  Capes     i  jl 
— a  sight  you'll  never  forget. 

This  wonderful  boat  trip  may  be  enjoyed  at  a 
cost  surprisingly  low,  when  you  consider  its 
unique  assortment   of   thrill  and  scenic  wonders. 

For  complete  information  apply  at 
the  address  below  or  send  3c  post- 
age for  illustrated  booklet,  map 
and  guide. 


Goblin 


Put  Off  Buying 


Shaving  Cream 


a  Few  Days 


Accept,  please,  a 

10-day  tube  of  this 

unique  creation 

to  try 


GENTLEMEN:  The  last  few  years  have  brought 
many  riew  comforts  into  people's  lives.  Palmolive 
Shaving  Cream  is  one. 

Millions  are  discarding  old-type  shaving  soaps  and 
turning  to  shaving  creams.  And  Palmolive,  we  believe, 
is  just  the  cream  you  want. 

We  knew  when  we  started  making  it  that  we  had  a 
hard  path  to  travel.  That  most  men  were  wedded  to 
one  soap  or  another.  And  that  to  win,  we  had  to 
excel  in  many  ways. 

1,000  men  told  us 

So  we  asked  1 ,000  men  to  name  their  ideal  in  a 
shaving  soap.  They  named  four,  and  we  added  the 
fifth  that  they  had  forgotten. 

We  were  qualified  to  meet  those  desires  as  you  know. 
This  laboratory  is  60  years  old.  It  has  created,  among 
other  things,  Palmolive  Soap,  the  world's  leading  toilet  so;p. 

We  made  and  discarded  I  30  formulas  before  reaching 
our  marked  goal.  But  wheh  we  did,  we  had  an  amazing 
creation  from  what  men  told  us. 


Made  in  Canada 


5  new  joys 

1.  Multiplies  itself  in  lather  250  times. 

2.  Softens  the  beard  in  one  minute. 

3.  Maintains  its  creamy  fullness  for  10  minutes  on  the  face. 

4.  Strong  bubbles  hold  the  hairs  ere^t  for  cutting. 

5.  Fine  after-effects  due  to  palm  and  olive  content. 

This  courtesy,  please 
Now  in  courtesy  to  us  will  you  not  accept  a  trial  of 
Palmolive  Shaving  Cream?     It  may  be  what  you  want, 
or  it  may  not.      You  alone  can  tell.      Send  the  coupon. 
We'll  rest  our  case  on  what  you  find. 


To  add  the  final  touch  to  shaving  luxury,  we  have 
created  Palmolive  After  Shaving  Talc — especially  for  men. 
Doesn't  show.  Leaves  the  skin  smooth  and  fresh,  and 
give«  that  well-groomed  look.  Try  ihe  sample  we  are 
sending  free  wilh  the  lube  of  shaving  cream.  There 
are  new  delights  here  for  every  man  who  shaves. 
Please   let   us    prove    them    to    you.        Clip    coupon    now. 


10 

and  a 

SHAVES     FREE 

can  of  Palmolive  After  Shaving  Talc 

Simply  insert  your 
mail  to  Dept    B-1  178. 
pany  of  Canada.  Ltd. 

name  anc 
The  Pal 
Toronto 

address  and 
molive  Com- 
Ont. 

3208C 


Goblin 


*^. 


^ 


0 

The  charm  of  refined 
design  and  careful  tailor- 
ing, the  thrill  of  ea^er 
power,  the  knowledge  of 
instant  control  as  represent- 
ed by  Split-Second  Braking 

- — such  features  but  begin 
to  detail  Reo's  goodness  as 
an  entirety. 


T^UE  to  many  pronounced  comfort  features,  tKe  Reo 
-*-^  Sedan  puts  sixty  minutes  of  pleasant  riding,  into  every 
hour  of  all-day  travel,  whether  on  the  "week's  trip  or  the 
month's  tour.       And  continues  to  do  so  year  after  year. 

Quality  that  brooks  no  compromise  and  safety  standards 
that  tolerate  no  speculation  typify  the  reasons  for  Reo's 
reputation  as  America's  most  dependable  motor  car. 

50,000  miles  of  service  leave  a  Reo  still  in  the  summertime 
of  its  life. 


REDUCED 
PRICE    .    . 


$2215 


00  INCLUDING  ALL  TAXES 

FREIGHT    TO    BE    PAID 


REO  MOTOR  CAR  COMPANY  OF  CANADA,  LIMITED, 

W' — 


Windsor,  Ontario 


y 


VOLUME  VI 


TORONTO,  JUNE,  1926 


NUMBER  11 


The  Trail   of   Twenty-Six 

Don  t  look  so  sad,  my  honey, don't  be  holdin'  of  me  so; 
I  have  heard  the  Red  Gods  calling  and  it's  time  for 

me  to  go. 
For    the   boys   are   mushing   northward    to   a   rocky, 

frozen  land. 
Where   the  precious  golden   nuggets  are  as  plentiful 

as  sand. 
It  will   be    the   greatest   stampede   since    the  Trail  of 

Ninety-Eight, 
And  I  couldn't  miss  it,  honey,  so  it's  time  to  pull  my 

freight. 
They  are  gathering  at  Hudson,    if  the  papers  tell  us 

true — 
The    Dan    McGrews    and    Sam    McGees    and    ladies 

known  as  Lou. 
There     will     be     another     Dawson  when   the   milky 

northern  lights 
Dance   above   the   shores   of   Red   Lake   in    the   cool 

September  nights. 
So  I'm  off  to-morrow  morning  for  this  Eldorado  new, 
And  if  I  don't  discover  gold  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do: 
When  shades  of  night  are  falling  fast  I'll  take  my  pen 

in  hand. 
And  write  a  bunch  of  rhymes  about  the  Red  Lake 

Barber's  Band — 
Of  how,  in  One-Eyed    Pete's  saloon,     they    guzzled 

ginger  ale. 
It  will  run  to  six  editions,  and  I'll  make  a  stack  of  kale. 

—Robert    D.    Little. 

*        *        * 

Railroading  It! 

She  was  a  railroad  man's  daughter.  Her  carriage 
wasn't  good,  but  I  thought  that  if  we  were  coupled 
up,  I  could  train  her  to  conductor  self  properly  in 
my  little  drawing  room.  I  felt  sure  she  could  make 
the    grade. 

Her  mother  was  siding  with  us,  but  her  father 
did  not  take  to  the  proposition,  for  a  girl  of  her  tender 


She:  "I  don't  like  your  friend;  he's  very  insulting. 
He  spok.e  of  me  the  other  day  as  an  American  adven- 
turess. " 

He:   "I'll  tell  him  you're  not  American.  ' 

years.  He  tried  to  switch  me  off,  especially  as  my 
station  in  life  was  humble.  But  I  was  fired  with 
ambition  and  determined  to  brake  down  the  barriers 
altho'  he  ranted  and  railed,  puffed  and  blew,  'till  I 
could  have  throttled  him. 

We  decided  to  break  the  fanmily  ties;  so  one  night, 
her  father  being  a  good  sleeper,  on  prearranged  signals 
I  whistled  under  her  window,  and  we  pulled  our 
freight  in  a  cloud   of  smoke. 

He  then  wanted  to  shunt  the  whole  fanaily  on  me, 
but  1  engineered  that  so  as  not  to  wreck  my  whole  life. 

We  are  now  living  happily  in  a  little  round-house 
by  the  crossing,  at  my  wife's  express  wish — the 
little  baggage!  — D.    W. 


C9DLIN 


^^S^'^^>Ii=L 


"What  you  need  is  more  exercise." 


A  Hurry  Call 

Cytherean  Aphrodite! 

Pack  your  tooth-brush,  curls  and  nightie. 

Grab  the  seven-ten  and  call 

Please,  at  Glycera's  stately  hall! 

Take  young  Eros  and  his  friends 
And  (for  I  must  gain  my  ends), 
Though  it  is  against  the  rules. 
Mercury  and  all  his  tools! 

If  you  lift  the  lady's  heart, 
Cnidian  Queen,  I  do  my  part; 
In  reward  I'll  scorn  all  price — 
You  can  name  your  sacrifice! 

— Joseph  Schull. 
*        *        * 


Florence 

W  A  voluminous  black  momma  ambled  up  to  the  ticket 
office  of  a  small  railroad  station  and  thrusting  her 
head  half  through  the  pigeon  hole  addressed  the  clerk. 

"Ah  want  a  ticket  fo'  Florence." 

After  many  minutes  of  profound  searching,  the 
clerk  returned  to  the  window  and  enquired  with  a 
mystified  air: 

"Pardon  me,  but  where  is  Florence?" 

The  negress  turned,  and  pointed  out  a  black 
beauty  of  tender  years  who  was  obviously  following 
the  proceedings  with  considerable  interest. 

"Sittin'  over  der  on  de  bench.  "  replied  the  negress. 

*  *        * 

Fair  Enough 

The  proprietor  of  a  hotel  was  approached  by  a 

gambler  who  requested  the  loan  of  ten  dollars.  The 
hotel  man  extracted  a  five-dollar  bill  from  the  cash 

register    and    handed    it    to    the    gambler    who  said, 

"Didn't  1  ask  you  for  a  ten  spot?"  The  old  hotel 
man  answered;  "We  both  lose  five!  " 

*  *        * 

The  Scofflaw 

"There  ought  ter  be  a  law  agin  aviation,"  said  the 
cross  roads  politician  after  the  aviator  had  made  a 
forced  landing  in  his  potato  patch. 

"There  is,"  replied  the  pilot,"  because  the  law  of 
gravitation  is  always  interfering  with  flying! 


Advice    to    young    brides: 
succeed,  cry,  cry,  again. 


If    at    first   you    don't 


"What's  the  charge.  Officer?" 

"Destroying  city  property.     He  was  climbing  on  a 
steam  roller." 


C9DUN 


Where  Are  the  Brides  of  Yesteryear? 


The  Results  of 
Careful  Research  Wor\ 

by 

A.  B.  SAWTELLE 


Babsie  got  so  gloriously  slim  over  the 
exertions  of  getting  married  that  she 
quite  forgot  to  watch  her  diet — potatoes 
and  candy  and  chocolate  eclair,  she 
ate  them  all  shamelessly.  Then  one 
day  she  got  an  awful  jolt  trying  to 
get  into  her  wedding  dress — and 
J-J-Jack.,  the  h-h-hrute,  just  laughed 
at  her,  sniff,  sniff — 


Harriet  and  Bill  were\\going 
down  the  Long,  Long  Trail  to- 
gether. For  Harriet  now  //'* 
the  long,  long  trail  from  silver- 
Ware  to  pots  and  pans. 


"^^-^^^ 


Jane  hasn't  much  time  to  curl 
her  hair  these  days.  Talking 
care  of  the  twins  is  a  bit  more 
strenuous  than  acknowledging 
wedding  presents. 


That  mean  old  Tom  is  dragging  Gloria  home  from  an  awful-good  party. 
S'pose  it  is  four-thirty  and  he  has  a  big  deal  on  tomorrow!  Good  night! 
Can't  she  haOe  a  little  fun  without  always  thinking  about  getting  up  and 
getting  breakfast.  He  never  used  to  want  to  leave  a  party  when  they  were 
engaged,  etc.,  etc. 


"What's  the  most  marJied  advance  you  noticed  in  the  summer  styles?  " 
"The  figures  on  the  price  tags!" 


Minutely  Speaking! 

Bim:  "What  is  the  height  of 
fashion    now?  ' 

Bam:  "I  don't  know.  I  haven't 
been  out  on  the  streets  for  thirty 
minutes!" 

As  the  dentist  examined  the 
teeth  of  the  man  with  the  very 
much  swollen  face  he  said,  "Have 
you  had  any  advice  about  your 
teeth  lately?" 

"Yes,"  answered  the  man,  "1 
talked  to  the  druggist  at  the  corner 
about  them  last  night." 

"And  what  foolish  advice  did 
he  give  you?  " 

"Well,  he  was  the  one  who  recom- 
mended that  1  come  to  see  you 
today!" 


First  Recruit:  "Say!  what's  the 
idea  of  abusing  your  gun  like  that? 
The  sergeant  said  treat  it  as  you 
would  your  life." 

"Second  Recruit:  "Oh!  I  thought 
he  said  wife." 


Put  Him  Out! 

Ima:  "Why  do  they  put  roosters 
on  weather  vanes  instead  of 
hens?  " 

Ira:  "Well,  just  think  how  in- 
convenient it  would  be  to  gather 
the   eggs!" 

*        *        * 

And  Nobody  Knew  theDifference 

Mary  had  a  little  calf, 

Not  one  above  the  heel. 
But  one  that  later  got  the  gaff 

And  was  turned  into  veal. 
And     then,     behold,     it     changed 
again! 

That's  why  this  little  ballad. 
For  Mary's  calf  was  called  a  hen 

And  passed  for  chicken  salad! 

^W.lVl.B. 


G9BLIN 


"How  now!  Mumbo,  that  last  roast  missionary  had  a  shirt  on. 
"Your  Majesty,  that  is  a  part  of  the  dressing." 


How 


o" 


With    a    Gift    of    Flowers 

These  flowers   hang   their   heads   because,   you   see, 

I  k.issed  them  e'er  I  let  them  go  to  thee. 

And  that  they  get  their  message  straight   I  send 

This  note,  their  sweet  confusion  to  amend' 

But   if,   perchance,    in   this   Tve   been   too  free. 

Return  the  flowers  and  the  kiss  to  me. 

And  let  no  thought  of  pity  thy  soul  fill. 

Send   back    '^^    roses    when    and   how   you    will. 

The    kjss,    I    prithee,    do    more    kindly    treat 

And  give  it  to  me,  darling,  when  we  meet. 

*        *        * 

Experience 

The  proprietor  of  a  large  Ford  Service  garage  in 
Atlanta  tells  the  following  one: 

He  had  advertised  for  an  experienced  mechanic 
and  the  first  one  to  answer  the  ad.  said  that  he  had 
served  five  years  in  the  Ford  plant  in  Detroit. 

"What  did  you  do  in  the  plant>"  asked  the  garage 
owner. 

"Well,  sir,  '  answered  the  man,  "1  polished 
screw  683!" 


Pride  of  Accomplishment! 

Lawyer  for   Defendant:   "After  all  , your  honour, 
my  client  is  only  charged  with  simple  theft." 

Defendent  (hotly):   "Simple!      Say,    I'd    like     to 

see  any  of  you  do  it." 

*        *        * 

Song 

Oh,  over  the  world  from  Spa  to  Spain, 
And  round  and  under  and  back  again. 
From  the  highest  hill  to  the  deepest  sea, 
Yoy'U  find  no  equal  of  my  ladye, 
She  passes  all  in  a  thousand  ways 
And  nobody's  worthy  to  sing  her  praise; 

Go  search  where  you  will  in  the  farthest  lands. 

Where  tree-house,  harem  or  igloo  stands. 

Where  the  bright  Cross  gleams  in  the  southern  sky. 

Or  the  weird,  cold,  snow-lights  flare  and  die, 

You'll  find  no  flapper  on  land  or  sea. 

By  the  Isles  of  Greece  or  the  Sands  of  Dee, 

Wherever  your  wandering  feet  may  come — 

So  perfectly,  wholly,  sublimely  dumb!       ,         i  c  l    ;/ 
t'  ■^  ■>  ■'  — Joseph  ochull. 


10 


C9DLIN 


Quigley  J.  Beezlehurst — The  Man  with  the  Big  Idea 

The  Story  of  his  Success  as  told  by  J.  E.  McDougall 


"T^HE  dress,"  cried  the  woman, 
I  "is  completely  ruined.  If 
you  don't  pay  me  sixty 
dollars  in  compensation  at  once 
I  will  not  only  withdraw  my  own 
patronage  but  use  my  influence 
to  persuade  my  many  friends 
to  have  their  clothes  cleaned  else- 
where. " 

The  claims  manager  who  wrote 
out  the  compensation  order  for 
sixty  dollars  to  the  indignant 
customer  was  Quigley  J.  Beezle- 
hurst. As  the  woman  cashed  the 
order,  Mr.  Beezlehurst  began  cash- 
ing in  on  a  Great  Idea,  an  idea 
which  has  since  netted  him  many 
thousands,  and  was  the  means 
of  building  up  the  present  famous 
business  of  the  Beezlehurst  Com- 
pensation   Corporation. 

The  mighty  brain  of  Quigley 
Beezlehurst  reasoned  along  the 
following  lines:  This  woman  knows 
that,  through  fear  of  losing  trade, 
the  cleaning  concern  with  whom 
she  is  dealing  will  probably  pay 
her  something  for  her  twenty- 
one-fifty  frock.  She  hoped  for 
about  ten  dollars  but  considered 
that  if  she  put  a  price  of  sixty  on 
it  it  would  do  no  harm.  If  some 
one  had  come  to  her  before  her 
trip  to  the  head  office  and  offered 
to  take  the  case  off  her  hands, 
saving  her  the  trouble  and  paying 
her  ten  dollars,  she  would  have 
leapt  at  the  opportunity.  She 
got  sixty  dollars  which  would  have 
meant  a  clear  profit  of  fifty  to  the 
intermediary.  The  answer  is  ob- 
vious and  easy.  Today  the  Beezle- 
hurst Compensation  Corporation 
handles  claims  running  into  mil- 
lions of  dollars.  It  is  a  monument 
to  the  man  with  a  vision. 

Naturally  enough,  it  was  with 
cleaning  and  pressing  claims  that 
the  business  was  started  in  a 
humble  way.  The  original  staff 
consisted  only  of  Mr.  B.,  and  his 
wife.  Mr.  B.  made  the  rounds 
of     the     cleaning     establishments, 


A  favorite  photo  of  Mr.  Beezle- 
hurst taken  at  the  time  he  was 
conceiving  his  Big  Idea. 

soliciting  claims  from  people  who 
approached  the  front  door  with 
a  determined  expression  upon  their 
faces.       Mr.  B's  method  was  simple 


Mr.  Beezlehurst  in  the  act  of 
persuading  a  prospect,  showing 
the  famous  Beezlehurst  method. 


and  effective.  His  first  step  was 
to  win  the  prospect's  confidence. 
This  was  done  by  approaching  in 
the  guise  of  an  oil  stock  salesman. 
Once  the  prospect  was  engaged 
in  conversation,  Mr.  B.  began  by 
admiring  the  lady's  costume.  This 
naturally  led  to  her  confiding  to 
him  the  story  of  the  dress  which 
had  been  absolutely  ruined  by 
the  careless  firm. 

"What  a  perfect  jewel  of  a 
dress,  my  dear!  "  would  be  Mr. 
B's  opening;  and  the  barrier 
was  lifted. 

It  is  a  tribute  to  Mr.  B.'s  powers 
of  perception  that  he  early  rec- 
ognised the  fact  that  his  wife 
would  be  more  successful  than  he 
in  settling  the  claims  with  the 
various  companies.  Mrs.  B.  is  a 
woman  of  strong  persuasive  pow- 
ers. Having  persuaded  Mr.  B. 
to  marry  her,  she  proceeded  to 
persuade  him  to  give  up  smoking 
and  stay  in  of  an  evening.  Nat- 
urally on  forming  the  first  Per- 
suasion Department  of  the  com- 
pany she  has  had  less  time  to 
persuade  Mr.  B.  Mr.  B.  calls 
this  Sublimation  of  the  Per- 
suasion Complex. 

After  the  organization  was  per- 
fected for  covering  the  cleaning 
establishments,  a  splendid  field 
was  discovered  among  the  laund- 
ries and  hence  by  gentle  stages 
a  logical  growth  included  taxicab 
companies,  street  cars  and  de- 
partment stores.  In  connection 
with  the  latter  an  agent  was  placed, 
bareheaded,  near  the  adjustment 
bureau.  The  prospect,  believing 
him  to  be  an  official  of  the  com- 
pany, was  delighted  to  receive 
his  prompt  settlement.  Those 
who  protested  too  heartily  and 
thus  showed  likelihood  of  getting 
a  good  cash  payment  were  either 
let  go  or  taken  into  the  organiza- 
tion's   Persuasion  Department. 

From  these  modest  beginnings 
has  grown   the  mighty  institution 


C9DLIN 


11 


which  Mr.  Beezlehurst  laughingly 
refers  to  as  "my  business."  With 
branches  in  all  corners  of  the 
globe  and  weekly  conventions  with 
chalk  talks  by  Mr.  B.,  it  was 
indeed  a  thriving  concern  even 
before  the  latest  amplification  was 
introduced.  A  brain  less  fertile 
than  Mr.  Beezlehurst's  might  never 
have  thought  of  the  New  Business 
Origination        Department.  A 

friend  on  being  shown  around  the 
plant,  through  the  Ripping  Rooms, 
the  Spotting  Department  and  the 
Rotting  Yards,  remarked  to  Mr. 
B.,  that,  since  his  statistics  showed 
that  the  number  of  rips  and  tears 
and  spottings  and  scorchings  oc- 
casioned by  the  various  establish- 
ments from  which  the  firm  drew 
business  remained  almost  the  same 
fron  year  to  year,  there  must  be  a 
limit  to  the  growth  of  the  industry. 
Now  limits  are  anathema  to  Mr. 
Beezlehurst.  An  acquaintance 
once  jokingly  remarked,  "Well, 
Beezlehurst,  with  you  the  sky  is 
the  limit!"  and  was  cut  off  the 
calling  list.  Mr.  B.  admits  no 
limit.  He  foresaw  the  necessity 
of  raising  the  ante.  With  this 
idea  in  mind  he  engaged  a  squad 
of  trusted  men.  Their  business 
is  to  ride  on  public  conveyances 
armed  with  little  grease  guns. 
A  trial  expedition  in  Hamilton 
increased  the  complaints  in  that 
city  by  24.007  per  cent,  in  one 
month.  The  laundry  workers 
known  as  the  Scorchers  obtain 
employment  for  the  purpose  of 
stirring  up  business  in  their  own 
field.  Amos  Quiddlepip,  who  holds 
the  present  record,  scorched  seven- 
teen sheets  and  thirty-two  shirts 
in  four  days  in  a  local  laundry. 
For  this  service  he  was  promoted 
as  soon  as  he  was  bailed  out. 
Recent  additions  to  the  New 
Business  Origination  Department 
include  the  Stocking  Rippers,  a 
very  highly  specialized  branch 
which  calls  for  a  great  deal  of 
tact  and  gymnastics. 

Interviewed  recently,  Mr. Beezle- 
hurst said,  "I  owe  it  all  to  the  little 
woman."  The  reference  of  course 
is     to     the     dear     lady     with     the 


"Do  you   JinoW,  you  are  so  clever   and  charming   and  brilliant  that  I 
really  feci  embarrassed  in  your  presence." 
"But  you  mustn't;  really  you  must  not!" 
"Oh,  I  dare  say  I'll  get  over  it  when  I  know  you  better." 


twenty-one-fifty  frock  and  not  to 
Mrs.  B.,  who  is  not  what  one 
would  call  a  little  woman.  At  any 
rate,  not  to  her  face.  Mr.  B. 
said  further,  "I  do  not  think  that 
a  low  tariff  would  benefit  the 
Maritimes  and  1  am  whole-heart- 
edly in  favour  of  a  national 
Fathers'  Day.  Mussolini  is  a 
great  man  and  the  old-fashioned 
dances     are     best.      My     me.ssage 


to    the    younger    generation    is    to 
work  hard  and  use  your  head." 

*        *        * 

Local  Only 

Sambo:  "Ah  feels  kindah  funny. 
Ah  thinks  ah'm  wanderin'  in 
mah    mind." 

Jazzbo:  "Well  if  you  is.  all  I 
gotta  say  is  dat  you  am  gonna 
take  a  mighty  short   trip!" 


12 


Goblin 


Published  monthly  by  the  Goblins,  Limited,  10  Adelaide  to  foreign   countries,   $3.75   a    year.       Manuscripts    and 

St.  East,  Toronto,  Canada.      Copyright  registered   1926.  drawings  can  be  returned  only  when  sufHcient  postage 

Subscription  $3.00  per  year  in  advance  to  any  address  in  is  enclosed.     The  editor  reserves  the  right  to  make  alter- 

Canada  and  the  U.S.A.;   to  Great  Britain,  $3.50  a  year;  ations  as  he  sees  fit  in  all  manuscripts  submitted. 


Vol.  6,  No.  11 
June,   1926 


25c  a  copy 
$3.00  a  year 


Managing  Editor — J.  E.  McDougall 


^n  ^ge  of  BisiiUusiionment 


new 
field 
with 


THE  TWENTIETH  CENTURY,  much  heralded 
and  acclaimed  as  the  most  advanced  era  in  the 
history  of  the  world,  is  annually  chalking  up 
records  in  progress  in  almost  every  human 
of  endeavour.  It  is  inevitable  perhaps  that 
the  widening  of  our  horizon  and  the  deeper 
probing  into  the  machinery  of  the  cosmos,  there 
should  result  disillusionment,  and  with  it  the  throw- 
ing off  of  our  more  mediaeval  beliefs,  dear  though 
they  may  be  to  our  hearts. 

In  the  field  of  invention  wonders  have  been 
achieved  and  are  being  achieved  daily.  In  the 
sciences  the  keen-minded  research-worker  is  con- 
stantly mapping  out  and  surveying  the  hitherto 
unexplored  regions  so  fascinatingly  described  in 
Paul  de  Kruif's  new  book,  "Microbe  Hunters." 
Under  the  heading  of  man's  care  of  his  fellow  man, 
we  may  look  with  satisfaction  upon  the  fact  that  at 
least  the  United  States  and  Canada  are  now  bone-dry 
and  that  the  degrading  effect  of  alcohol  is  no  longer 
a  negative  factor  in  our  advancement.  In  archi- 
tecture our  age  has  truly  achieved  a  great  measure 
of  beauty,  perhaps  most  spectacularly  displayed  in 
the  recessional  buildings  of  New  York,  which  Thomas 
Hardy  couples  with  the  poetry  of  Edna  St.  Vincent 
Millay  as  the  only  great  things  in  the  United  States 
to-day.  We  must  not  forget  our  advancement  in  the 
field  of  the  theatre.  The  magnificent  steps  made  by 
Messrs.     Shubert    and     the    martyred     Earl     Carroll 


have  coupled  the  stage  with  the  anatomy  class  in  a 
manner  which  the  box  office  shows  to  be  highly 
satisfactory. 

All  these  phenomena  are  in  the  nature  of  explora- 
tions, and  it  is  the  discovering  of  new  lands  itself 
which  symbolizes  advancement  and  shall  perhaps  be 
the  tag  by  which  future  students  name  our  times 
just  as  the  end  of  the  fifteenth  century  is  notable 
for  the  discovery  of  America.  Here,  too,  we  have 
excelled,  and  here  perhaps  we  bump  hardest  against 
uncomfortable  facts.  The  air  voyages  of  Messrs. 
Amundsen,  Nobile  and  Ellsworth  and  of  Commander 
Byrd  have  pushed  back  the  limits  of  our  vision  a 
vast  step  further.  The  Frozen  North  has  been 
conquered,  but  ah!  the  bitter  lesson!  There  is 
small  comfort  for  the  readers  of  newspaper  accounts 
of  these  exploits,  and  little  solace  for  the  movie 
patrons  who  view  the  photographic  story  of  these 
explorations.  For  the  thinking  man  and  woman,  and 
even  more,  the  thinking  child  there  is  a  bitter  pill 
to  swallow.  Perhaps  this  is  the  reason  for  Com- 
mander Byrd's  hesitancy  about  appearing  before 
the  Royal  Geographic  Society  in  London,  for  none 
of  them,  Amundsen,  Nobile,  Ellsworth,  Byrd  or  any 
of  the  attendants  on  their  trips  have  been  able  to 
tell  us  that  they  have  discovered  even  the  slightest 
trace  of  Santa  Claus.  Truly,  we  are  paying  a  price 
for  progress! 


C9DUN 


13 


dotage  Canabien 


Exploring    Canada 

It  is  a  peculiar  thing  that  this 
summer,  which  will  see  in  all 
probability  a  tourist  business  from 
the  United  States  surpassing  pre- 
vious records,  will  also  witness  a 
great  egress  of  Canadians  seeking 
recreation  and  scenic  beauty  in 
all  parts  of  the  world.  Insularity 
is  deplorable  but  it  is  difficult 
to  imagine  a  man  who  has  seen 
the  beauties  of  Canada  from  the 
Mallahat  drive  to  the  Annapolis 
Valley  returning  to  his  hearth 
with  a  narrow  outlook  upon  the 
world  in  general.  Canada  pre- 
sents to  the  tourist  a  vast  variety 
of  scenery  and  life.  The  pan- 
orama, from  the  Atlantic  fishing 
villages,  through  the  rolling  beauty 
of  the  land  of  Evangeline,  through 
ancient  French  Canada,  Northern 
Ontario,  whether  one  choose  the 
great  forest  stillnesses,  the  gay 
hotel  life  of  the  lakes  or  the  chaste 
grandeur  of  Georgian  Bay,  the 
golden  prairies  of  the  West,  the 
Rockies  to  Vancouver  and  the 
little  corner  of  England  that  is 
Victoria,  contains  a  prospect  to 
please  every  taste.  There  is  ad- 
venture aplenty  for  Canadians 
who  go  exploring  at  home. 
*        *        * 

Horse-Swapping 

Something  of  the  old  license 
with  the  truth  which  formerly 
was  allowed  in  horse-swapping 
and  which  was  the  basis  of  many 
a  yarn  in  the  days  before  gasoline 
buggies  has  been  handed  down  to 
the  used  car  sale  of  today.  Few 
people  expect  to  get  the  price  they 
ask  for  their  newly  polished  pride 
of  a  year  that  is  past.  The  founda- 
tion is  thus  laid  for  a  bracing 
argument.  The  much  abused 
chariot,  the  garage  man's  delights 
suddenly  takes  on  the  attribute, 
of  the  perfect  machine;  an  attach- 
ment never  before  felt  grows  up 
for  it  in  the  heart  of  the  owner. 
Proudly  he  displays  its  parts;  the 
engine  over  which  he  has  cussed 
so  heartily  on  many  a  sad  occasion 


Two  More  Definitions 
The  Movie  Queen 

The  Movie  Queen's 
A  lovely  lass. 
Combining  vir- 
Tue,  brains  and  class. 
Her  favorite  bool^s, 
Uplifting  ones. 
Like  "Love's  Reward," 
Who's  Who  and  Dun's. 

The  Traffic  Cop 

The  Traffic  Cop's 
A  jolly  chap. 
He's  all  good  will 
From  toe  to  cap. 
With  gentle  thoughts 
His  mind's  a-gleam; 
He  eats  hot  must- 
Ard  for  ice  cream. 


is  now  displayed  with  all  the  cere- 
mony appropriate  to  a  priceless 
relic.  If  the  new  buyer  discovers 
a  few  days  later  that  the  smooth 
movement  of  the  engine  on  the  day 
of  sale  was  due  to  an  overdose  of 
oil  he  keeps  his  peace,  for  well  he 
knows  that  it  is  all  within  the 
code  and  that  his  own  day  will 
come.  The  romance  of  trade  is 
still   with    us. 

*        *        * 

Comparative  Satisfaction 

There  are  few  activities  in  this 
world  which,  outside  of  the  pecuni- 
ary remuneration,  vouchsafe  to 
the  worker  such  a  liberal  reward 
as  that  of  editing  a  magazine. 
The  tribulations  of  the  editorial 
desk  are  notorious;  the  writer  to 
whom  has  been  assigned  "eight 
inches  about  a  cat  "  frequently 
turns  up  with  "five  inches  about 
a  rabbit";  the  constant  reader  in 
Fernie,  B.C.,  cancels  his  subscrip- 
tion because  an  article  on  evolution 
has  offended  his  maiden  aunt.  In- 
spiration is  a  fickle  jade;  it's 
a  tough  life.  But  for  utter  satis- 
faction I  challenge  the  bond  sales- 
man blotting  the  signature  on  the 


dotted  line,  the  furniture  manu- 
facturer surveying  his  newest  line 
of  antiques  and  the  Crown  Attor- 
ney hearing  the  sentence  pro- 
nounced to  compare  his  joy  with 
that  of  the  editor  who  has  received 
the  first  copy  of  the  current  issue 
of  his  periodical  from  the  printer, 
fresh  in  its  colours  and  redolent 
of  drying  ink.  Verily,  all  the 
perfumes  of  Arabia  cannot  vie 
with   that  aroma. 

*        *        * 

Confession 

There  is  a  story  going  round  at 
the  expense  of  the  boys  with  the 
brief  cases  and  striped  ties  which 
merits  repeating.  It  appears  that 
two  old  friends  met  after  a  long 
parting.  One  of  them  had  in  the 
palmy  days  been  a  bartender. 
The  conversation  was  somewhat 
as    follows: 

"Well,  well,  Fred,  how  the  deuce 
are  you>  What  are  you  doing 
these  days,  now  that  the  govern- 
ment put  you  out  of  a  job?  " 

"Hello,  Pete,  darn  glad  to  see 
you.       How's    everything?  " 

"What  are  you  doing  now,  Fred? 

"What  do  you  say  we  shoot  a 
game  of  pool  this  afternoon?  " 

"Fine,    Fred.         What    are]  you 


loing  now    anyway 


y 


"Did  you  see  the  game  with 
Baltimore,  Pete?  It  was  a  knock- 
out.     The  way  the  pitching  of — " 

"No,  1  didn't  see  it,  Fred.  What 
are  you  doing  now?" 

"Let's  go  out  to  the  races  this 
afternoon.  I've  got  a  few  absol- 
utely sure  tips.      What  d'you  say?" 

"Look  here,  Fred.  You  and  I 
have  been  good  friends  for  too 
long  for  us  to  have  any  secrets. 
What's  more  you  know  1  can  keep 
quiet  if  it's  necessary.  Tell  me, 
what  is  it?  What  are  you  doing 
for  a  living  now?  " 

"Pete,  I'll  tell  you  if  you'll 
promise  not  to  tell  a  soul.  I 
couldn't  help  it.  I  have  to  eat. 
I'm  a — oh,  gosh,  Pete — well, 
if  you  must  know  I'm  a  bond 
salesman!  " 


14 


C9BLIN 


MORE  WILLOW  MLlACiE  TYPES 

BY 

LRH 


Jimmy  Home 

Jimmy  Home,  who  works  in  the 
printing-office,  will  call  upon  Hollis 
Evans  as  soon  as  he  gets  up  nerve 
enough,  but  in  the  meantime  he 
affects  an  interest  in  her  father's 
trees.  Hollis  isn't  so  difficult,  but 
her  mother  keeps  the  boarding- 
house,  and  the  front  steps  are 
always  swarming  with  young  men, 
not  only  superior  to  Jimmy  in  the 
matter  of  clothes  and  deportment, 
but  in  the  more  serious  matters  of 
years  and  financial  standing  as 
well.  They  are  sophisticated, 
urbane,  and  they  treat  Hollis  with 
dizzying  off-hand  friendliness. 
They  take  her  canoeing,  motoring, 
dancing;  and  Jimmy  wonders 
gloomily  if  he  is  ever  going  to  make 
any  headway  with  his  spring  suit 
what  it  is  and  his  wages  what  they 
are.  But  he  has  not  lost  heart, 
for  he  has  gathered  an  impression 
from  Hollis'  manner  that  he  would 
be  welcome  if  only  he  had  courage 
enough  to  walk  up  to  the  front 
door  and  ask  for  her.  Usually  he 
gets  as  far  as  the  gate  and  then  he 
swerves  off  to  the  side  lawn  where 
Peter  Evans  is  busy  with  his  trees. 
"Buds  on  the  lilacs  already?"  he 
calls  with  a  false  and  painfully 
forced  geniality.  And  Mr.  Evans, 
deep  in  the  mysteries  of  tree-cul- 
ture, regales  him  with  a  three-hour 
lecture  on  the  proper  method  of 
pruning  crab-apple  trees.  Night 
after  night  Jimmy  listens  sick- 
hearted,  despairing,  while  Hollis 
in  a  gay  light  dress  and  sweater. 
flits  down  the  walk  with  one  or 
other  of  the  superior  young  men. 
One  night  she  came  down  the  walk 
alone,  hesitated,  walked  on,  then 
paused   again   and   called    to   him: 


"Want   to  watch   the  canoe   races, 
Jimmy?" 

"No!  "roared  Peter  Evans.  "He 
wants  to  be  left  alone!  Can't  you 
see  all  he  cares  about  is  learning 
how  to  grow  trees?  Got  more 
sense  than  to  waste  his  evenings 
skittering  about  as  you  do.  Go 
away,  go  away.    Leave  him  alone." 

Miss  Harper 

Miss  Harper  is  the  Willow 
Village  high  school  teacher,  and  she 
is  too  thin.  Some  devastating  ex- 
perience early  in  life  has  embittered 
her  attitude  to  marriage  and  given 
her  an  insatiable  propensity  for 
discovering  signs  of  incompati- 
bility in  the  lives  of  her  acquain- 
tances. She  goes  through  life 
pecking  flaws  out  of  apparently 
satisfactory  marriages  as  a  hen 
pecks  grain.  The  first  three  years 
Miss  Harper  was  in  Willow  Village 
she  was  desperately  unhappy. 
There  had  not  been,  in  all  that 
time,  a  single  sign  of  a  domestic 
flare-up  in  town.  Then  Tom  Free- 
man, the  milkman,  a  pale,  patient 
little  man  with  pathetic  eyes,  be- 
came intoxicated  on  some  of  Art 
Secord's  home  brew  and  hit  his 
wife  with  a  watering-can,  bruising 
her    shoulder    rather    badly.      The 


next  day  Miss  Harper  went  about, 
vivacious,  ecstatic, her  sharp  brown 
eyes  sparkling  with  pleasure. 
"What  did  1  tell  you?"  she  said 
triumphantly. 

The  Minister's  Children 

The  minister's  children  are  not 
his  idea  of  what  children  ought  to 
be  at  all.  The  kind  of  children  he 
wanted  to  have,  in  fact,  the  kind 
of  children  he  confidently  expected 
to  have,  were  the  starry-eyed, 
immaculate  cherubs  one  sees  in 
the  illustrations  of  the  Sunday- 
School  papers,  listening  with  folded 
hands  and  shining  faces  to  wise 
parental  injunctions.  These  chil- 
dren are  changelings.  They  never 
listen  with  folded  hands;  they 
cannot  be  kept  immaculate  for  ten 
consecutive  seconds;  and  only  by 
the  greatest  difficulty  can  they  be 
kept  still  long  enough  for  their 
father  to  make  even  the  briefest 
wise  parental  injunction.  Three- 
year-old  Eva  is  the  only  one  with 
starry  eyes,  and  she  has  caused 
him  more  wrath  and  embarrass- 
ment than  all  the  other  children 
put  together.  The  others  are  an- 
noying enough,  but  they  do  sit 
achingly  through  his  sermons  on 
Sunday  mornings,  and  they  don't 
publicly  disgrace  him.  Baby  Eva 
publicly  disgraces  him.  The  last 
time  she  was  in  church,  during  his 
particularly  strong  sermon  on: 
"The  Failures  of  the  Younger 
Generation."  He  was  just  launch- 
ing into  the  third  paragraph  when 
little  Eva's  clear  voice  rang  out: 
"Oh,  I  don't  fint  so."  He  faltered 
and  began  again.  "Oh,  I  don't 
fint  so.'  Then,  after  a  brief 
ghastly    pause    and    a    determined 


C9DLIN 


15 


third  start:  "Oh,  I  don't  fint  so." 
She  was  taken  home  and  put  to  bed 
as  a  punishment,  but  made  her 
escape  just  as  the  people  were 
coming  out  of  church,  and  tore 
around  and  around  the  house,  clad 
only  in  a  red  woollen  blanket  and 
a  pair  of  goose  feathers,  giving  a 
reasonably  clever  imitation  of  a 
village-circus  Indian  doing  a  war- 
dance. 

Mrs.  McCall 

Mrs.  McCall  is  short  and  very 
near-sighted,  so  she  always  takes  a 
seat  at  the  very  back  of  the  moving 
picture  theatre  to  be  near  the  door 
in  case  of  fire.  She  is  passionately 
fond  of  fairs  and  parades,  but  is  so 
afraid  of  being  trampled  to  death 
in  the  crowds  that  she  always  stays 
on  the  outer  fringe,  and  so  misses 
everything  that  is  going  on.  She 
attends  the  circus  when  it  comes  to 
Willow  Village,  but  she  never 
really  sees  anything,  for  she  stays 
away  at  the  back  for  fear  of  being 
pushed  into  the  track  of  the  wild 
animals.  One  year  the  McCalls 
motored  through  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains, but  Mrs.  McCall  didn't  really 
see  them,  for  she  sat  in  the  back 
of  the  closed  car  all  the  time,  mak- 
ing first  aid  kits  in  case  of  accidents, 
and  reading  a  handbook  on:  "The 
Dangers  of  Motoring." 
*      *      * 

A  Short  Week 

An  old  maid  kept  a  parrot  that 
had  a  bad  habit  of  swearing. 
She  didn't  mind  hearing  it  swear 
so  much  during  the  week,  but  she 
always  put  a  cover  on  the  cage 
over  Sunday  and  this  kept  the 
parrot  quiet  until  Monday  morn- 
ing when  she  took  the  cover  off. 

One  Monday  afternoon  she  saw 
the  preacher  coming  to  call  on 
her  and  she  threw  the  cover  over 
the  parrot's  cage  to  keep  it  quiet 
during  the  time  the  preacher  was 
there. 

After  the  preacher  had  been 
there  for  a  short  time,  he  stepped 
up  to  the  cage  and  removed  the 
cover  and  the  parrot  squawked 
out,  "This  has  sure  been  a  damn 
short    week!  " 


"Are  you  sure  the  poor  fellow  is  quite  dead?" 

"Absolutely.     He  didn't  stir  when  somebody  pulled  a  flasli  out  and  his 
name's  MacTavish." 


'They  say  Jones  is  very  proud  of  his  wife." 
'Well  he's  got  a  lot  to  be  proud  of." 


16 


G9DLIN 


A  New  All-Canadian  Product 

ProJ.   JAMES  A.   COWAN  replies  to  a  Correspondent 


Last  month,  in  this  magazine,  a 
solution  of  all  the  Dominion's 
problems  was  carelessly  outlined. 
This  was  done  out  of  pure  goodness 
of  heart  and  from  that  universal 
human  impulse  to  talk  learnedly 
concerning  subjects  about  which 
one  knows  nothing.  The  motives 
behind  it,  therefore,  can  not  be 
questioned. 

But  it  is  a  smart  wind  that 
doesn't  give  some  person  a  cold 
in  the  head. 

"As  the  mother  of  six  children,  " 
writes  Mrs.  G.  A.  S.,  "I  write 
to  ask  you  what  in  hell  you  think 
you  are  doing  by  SDlving  our 
country's  problems  all  at  once. 
You  say  you  do  this  because  it 
will  give  Parliament  nothing  more 
to  do  and  make  our  legislators 
shut  up  and  go  home. 

"But  suppose  other  people  who 
don't  know  any  better  do  the  same 
as  you  have  done  and  solving 
our  country's  problems  becomes 
a  habit.  The  first  thing  we 
know  our  legislators  are  going 
to  be  at  home  all  the  time.  Let 
me  tell  you  right  here  and  now 
that  an  M.P.  is  no  good  at  all 
around  the  house.  What  are  we 
going  to  do  with  our  politicians 
in  their  spare  time?  When  a  man 
once  becomes  one  of  the  group 
which  runs  the  Dominion  he  is 
not  much  good  for  anything  else. 
You  are  going  to  have  a  whole 
batch  of  politicians  with  nothing 
to  do.  As  afternoon  tea  orna- 
ments, they  are  not  as  good  as 
curates,  though  I  have  successfully 
used  one  as  a  dummy  at  bridge. 

"Some  districts,  of  course,  may 
find  it  possible  to  dispose  of  their 
party  leaders  at  a  profit  or  lease 
them  out  to  tell  bedtime  stories 
over  the  radio,  but  in  my  case 
there  is  no  solution.  I  am  mar- 
ried  to  one  of   them." 

Mrs.  G.  A.  S.  may  calm  her- 
self The  future  holds  great  things 
for  the  politicians  and  they  them- 
selves have  demonstrated  their 
capabilities  in  an  important  line 
of  endeavour. 


There  is  a  constant  demand  for 
a  well-known  product  and,  until 
very  recently,  imports  have  been 
the  chief  source  of  supply.  Scan- 
dal is  the  product  in  question. 
Many  Canadian  organizations  have 
been  worried  by  the  staggering 
and  astounding  news  stand  sales 
of  tabloid  papers  and  smut  peri- 
odicals. As  everyone  knows,  the 
mission  of  this  type  of  literature 
is    the    creation    of    scandals.       If 


they  were  not  popular  with  certain 
types  of  Canadians,  they  would 
not  be  bought  in  such  large 
quantities.  In  other  words,  if 
scandal  were  not  popular,  there 
would  be  no  market  for  them. 

It  is  generally  agreed  that  it 
would  be  advisable  to  kill  their 
sales  in  this  country  and,  on  the 
facts  of  the  case,  it  may  be  neces- 
sary, in  order  to  do  this,  to  compete 
(Continued  on  page  36) 


One  Hundred  Years  from  Now 


The  Farmer 


C9DLIN 


17 


On  a  Country  Road 

"What  is  the  way  to  Centretown?" 

"To  what?" 

"To  Centretown.  ' 

"Well,  you  can  go  two  or  three  different  ways,  if 
you   want   to." 

"Which  is  the  best  way?" 

"Well,  it's  sort  of  hard  to  say  which  one  is  the 
best." 

"Which  is  a  good  way?" 

"Well,  they're  all  pretty  good.  I  suppose  the 
Turnpike  to  Tuttle's  Fields  is  as  good  as  any." 

"Which  is  the  Turnpike?" 

"Well,  you  pass  Meadow  Street — " 

"Where  is  Meadow  Street?" 

"Well,  it's  just  beyond  Spruce  Avenue." 

"But  where  is  Spruce  Avenue?" 

"Well,  Spruce  Avenue  is  just  off  Market  Street.  " 

"But—" 

"Well,  after  you  pass  Meadow  Street,  you  take 
the  second  turning  to  the  left — that's  Jessup's  Road — 
and  the  third  to  the  right — that's  Clayton  Lane — 
and  if  you  follow  Clayton  Lane  long  enough,  it'll  take 
you  into  the  Turnpike.  Then  you'll  come  to  a 
cross-road,  where  there's  a  sign-post,  and  the  sign- 
post will  show  you  the  road  to  Centreville." 

"But  I  want  to  go  to  Centretown.  " 

"To  what?" 

"Centretown.  " 

"Oh,  you  want  to  go  to  Centretown?  " 


Eggs-actly 

You  may  question  my  statement,  'tis  quite  a  correct 
one. 

Although  just  at  first  it  may  seem  rather  tough, 
In  most  places  people  eat  two  eggs  for  breakfast, 

In  France  they  find  that  one  egg  is  "un  oeuf." 


'I'd  like  to  see  the  head  cheese." 

'Sorry,  he's  out  to  lunch  just  now,  ma'am." 


Grandmother  (to  little  boy  who  never  puts  his  toys 
away):    "Bob,  would  you  lik.e  me  to  tell  you  a  story?     .   . 

"Once  upon  a  time  there  was  a  very  good  little  boy 
who  always  put  away  his  toys,  etc.,  etc." 

Bob  (when  story  was  finished):  "I'll  tell  you 
a  story  now,  Grandmother.  Once  upon  a  time  there  was 
a  cat — and  it   bark.ed." 

A  Shining  Light 

A  soldierly  old  man  had  just  given  a  quarter  to 
an' Irish   tramp. 

"Thanks,  yer  honor;  may  Hivin  bless  yer  and  may 
every  hair  in  yer  head  be  a  candle  light  to  yer  glory." 

"Well  ",  said  the  old  man  as  he  removed  his  hat 
showing  a  shiny  pate,  "when  that  day  comes  there 
won't  be  any  torchlight  procession  for  me!" 

*        *        * 

Travelogue 

The  small  boy  had  been  asked  by  the  teacher  to 
write  a  composition  on  the  inhabitants  of  Hawaii 
and  their  customs  and  manners. 

After  chewing  on  his  pencil  for  an  hour  he  turned 
in  the  following: 

"they  ain't  got  no  manners  and  they  don't  wear 
no  customs r* 


18 


C9BLIN 


"This  house  goes  back  'o  William  the  Conqueror." 
"What's  the  matter  with  it?     Doesn't  it  suit?" 


Zoological  Love  Song 

The  hippopotamus,  though  dumb, 
May  tell  his  sweetheart  of  his 
passion. 

Can  woo  and  win  his  sugar  plum 
In     hippopotamimic     fashion. 

A    pelican,    with    looks    to    say 
The  very  least,  unprepossessing, 

Is    oft    philanderously    gay 

And   keeps  a  dozen  sweethearts 
guessing. 

Even  a  sloth  upon  a  limb 

In  obvious  austerity 
Needs  none  to  shed  a  tear  for  him; 

His  pose  is  rank  hypocrisy. 

But,  love,  when  you  and  I  are  met, 

I'm  much  worse  off  than   beasts 

and  birds  are. 

For  when  you're  by  I  quite  forget 

Where  all  man's  boasted  gifts  of 

words    are. 

~S.M. 


What  this  country  really  needs 
is  a  good  five-cent  parking  place. 


"We  got  a  moon  lik.e  that  over  at 
our  place." 


Military  Tactics 

The  pretty  girl  was  eagerly 
watching  the  drill  at  a  training 
camp  when  a  rifle  volley  crashed 
out.  With  a  surprised  scream 
she  shrank  back  into  the  arms 
of  the  young  man  standing  be- 
hind  her. 

"Oh!  "  she  cried,  blushing.  "I 
was  frightened  by  the  rifles!  I 
beg  your  pardon." 

"No  need,  "  the  young  man 
quickly  replied,  "Lets  go  over 
there  and   watch   the  artillery." 


Charge   of   the   Hooch   Brigade 

Lions    to    the    right    of    me, 

Snakes     to     the    left    of    me, 

Monkeys     behind     me — 

No    wonder    I    wondered 

If  the  guy  who  had  sold  me  that 

stuff 
HADN'T    BLUNDERED! 


G9DLIN 


19 


A  Recital 

Conceived  in  Malice  by  ALDEN  DANIELS 


I 


'T  was  darling  of  you  to  suggest 
this  recital.  How  did  you 
know  1  was  just  dippy  over 
music?  Well,  I  am.  Most  chaps 
are  different  though;  they'd  never 
think  of  asking  a  girl  to  go  to  a 
recital  or  anything — well,  up- 
lifting— if  you  know  what  1  mean. 
They  think  all  a  girl  wants  to  do 
is  dance  all  the  time  and  eat 
chicken  salad  sandwiches.  I  may 
be  funny  that  way,  but  I'm 
different,  1  guess.  I  always  say, 
no  matter  how  busy  you  are  you 
ought  to  put  aside  an  hour  or 
so  a  month  to  improving  yourself. 
Don't  you  think  so?  1  do.  Myra, 
though,  she's  different.  That's 
the  blonde  that  was  in  the  hall 
at  the  boarding  house  when  you 
came  in.  She's  got  a  fiance  that 
works  in  Fink's  music  store;  I 
guess  that's  why  he  never  takes 
her  out  to  hear  any  music.  I 
always  say  to  her  she  misses  a 
whole  lot.  I  think  good  music 
is  kind  of — well,  uplifting — if 
you  know  what  I  mean.  I'd  die 
if  it  wasn't  for  music  1  guess. 
Even  when  I  was  a  little  kiddie  I 
was  that  way.  My  mother  used 
to  sing  'Just  Tell  Them  that  You 
Saw  Me  "  and  I'd  cry.  My  mother 
always  used  to  say,  'Annie,  I  guess 
you'd  die  if  it  wasn't  for  music' 
That  is  good  music   I   mean. 

There  they  come  now.  That 
fellow  with  the  biggest  fiddle  isn't 
bad,  but  you  know  they  never 
get  any  real  good-lookers  in  these 
sympathy  orchestras  now,  do  they? 
There  was  a  boy  that  played  the 
traps  at  the  Beach  last  summer 
and  he  was  really  the  best-looking 
thing,  even  though  he  was  ar- 
tistic. Funny  though,  you  never 
can  tell.  You  wouldn't  think  to 
look  at  me  that  I  was,  would  you? 
Oh,  no,  you  wouldn't;  1  can  tell. 
But  I  am.  Like  I  was  at  the  show 
last  week  with  a  boy  from  the 
office  and  when  we  came  out  he 
said,  'Why  what's  the  matter, 
Annie,  you  been  crying?'  I  told 
him  no,  but  I  had.  I  just  couldn't 
help  it  when   they  played  "Hearts 


and  Flowers"  in  the  picture  where 
she  says  good-bye  to  him  forever 
till  he  proves  he  didn't  steal  the 
bonds  from  her  father's  bank, 
just  the  day  before  they  were 
going  to  be  married,  so  she  tells 
him  good-bye.  My!  it  was  sad! 
I'm  funny  that  way;  I  guess  it's 
my  temperament.  Thank  good- 
ness that's  over — the  piece  they 
played,  1  mean. 

I  didn't  think  muchof  that  num- 
ber, did  you?  I  guess  they've 
got  to  play  over  a  few  first  like 
that  to  sort  of  get  warmed  up. 
Gee!  I  hope  they  play  "Humor- 
esque.  "  I'll  cry  if  they  do.  1  will. 
You  wait  and  see.      I  bet  you  I  do. 


There  was  a  boy  had  a  saxaphone 
up  at  the  hotel  summer  before  last 
and  every  time  he  played  "Humor- 
esque  "  I  cried.  Honest.  I  am 
crazy  about  music. 

You  don't  look  like  you  enjoyed 
that  one  much  either.  I  hope 
you're  not  like  some  fellows — just 
put  on  they  like  music  to  impress 
a  girl.  I  hate  a  guy  like  that. 
There  was  a  queer  bird  at  the 
Beach  last  week.  He  had  long 
hair  and  he  brought  a  violin  along 
with  him  and  he  acted  like  he 
hadn't  had  anything  to  eat  but 
sour  pickles  for  a  week.  Said  he 
was  a  compositor.  Well,  none  of 
{Continued  on  page  46) 


//>»Vk>'^^»' 


"The  explorer  uses  strategy  in  dispersing  the  South  Sea  Islanders!" 


20 


G9BUN 


"When  I  lie  down  like  this  for  a  quiet  think,  ^  realize   ow  tempus  fugit  is  creepin    on." 
"I  couldn't    ave  told  you  the  foreign  name,  but  they're  creepin'  on  me  too!" 


Insurance  as  Is 

A  Jewish  merchant  had  insured  his  house  for  two 
thousand  dollars.  The  house  burned  down  and  the 
insurance  company's  representative  came  to  him  and 
said: 

Your  house  was  old  and  dilapidated;  it  was  not 
worth  two  thousand  dollars.  We  will  give  you  one 
thousand  dollars  or  build  you  a  new  house;  a  bigger 
and  better  one.  " 

The  merchant  was  very  angry;  he  wanted  the  two 
thousand  dollars.  However,  he  eventually  thought  it 
wise  to  take  the  one  thousand  dollars.  Whereupon 
the  insurance  man — like  most  of  'em — suggested 
that,  having  settled  that  little  matter  satisfactorily, 
the  merchant  might  do  further  business  with  him. 
Was  his  life  insured?  Yes!  Was  his  wife's?  No! 
Why  not? 

"I  vill  tell  it  to  you  vy  not!  "  replied  the  merchant, 
"Suppose  I  insure  my  vife  for  two  tousand  dollars? 
Ven  she  die  you  come  to  me  und  say:  'Your  vife  vas 
old  und  dilapidated — she  vas  not  vort  two  tou- 
sand   dollars!    Ve  vill   gif  you   vun   tousand   dollars 


— or   a  bigger    und    better    vife.'      Bah — gonifF,    get 
outer  my  store  else  I  lose  my  temper  by  you!     Loafer! 

Schlemiel!     Get  out!"  — Mont  Hart. 

*        *        * 

Posterity 

Our  scientific  whirlwinds,  specializing  in  the  stuff 
that  ancient  civilizations  were  made  of,  will  unearth 
a  bevy  of  relics  somewhere  and  then  proceed  to  gen- 
eralize on  the  lives  of  long  dead  peoples. 

It's  a  bum  system. 

Suppose  in  2,900  years  a  gang  of  professors  dig  a 
bunch  of  beautiful  brown  illustrated  sections  of  the 
Sunday  papers  out  of  the  ruins  of  what  once  was 
Sammy  Lichtman's  news  stand  and  proceed  to  write 
high  brow  text  books  on  prehistoric  Canadians  with 


th 


ese  as  a  oasis! 


-J.A.C. 


After  a  somewhat  casual,  not  to  say  cursory, 
perusal  of  the  matter,  one  is  inclined  to  agree  that  the 
American  nation  has  taken  far,  far  too  seriously,  the 
aged  gag  about  not  giving  a  hoot  so  far  as  law-making 
is  concerned  as  long  as  one  can  take  a  hand  in  jazzing 
up  the  country's  popular  ballads. 


G9DLIN 


21 


OAue- 


[smmb) 


Horrified  Daughter:  "Father,  that  swearing  is  terrible!" 
Perspiring  Papa:   "I  k.now,  my  dear,  but  it  will  improve. 


The  golf  season  has  just  started." 


The  Origin  of  a  Certain  Busi- 
ness Cliche 

It  was  the  year  61  A.D. 

The  Business  Men's  Study 
Group  of  the  Rotary  Club  of 
Rome  were  holding  a  conference  in 
a  private  room  in  the  New  Forum 
Hotel.  They  were  studying  geom- 
etry. Marcus  Catullus,  the  prom- 
inent Roman  candle  merchant,  was 
attempting  to  prove  one  of  Euclid's 
propositions  on  a  blackboard  for 
the  edification  of  the  other  mem- 
bers. 

He  wasn't  getting  very  far  with 
it.  Finally  he  gave  it  up.  So  did 
the  rest  of  the  class. 

Then  a  member  named  Spurius 
Ernestus  spoke  up. 

"Marc,"  he  said,  "at  home  1 
have  a  slave  from  Anglia  who  is 
very  well  educated  and  who 
coaches  my  boys  in  mathematics. 
Now  my  thought  on  this  subject  is 
that  it  would  be  a  good  idea  if   1 


sent  for  him  to  come  over  here. 
He  might  be  able  to  give  us  some 
help  in  this  matter.  " 

"Why,  thanks,  Spur,  "  replied 
Marcus  Catullus  heartily.  "That 
is  fine  of  you.  I'd  like  to  get  your 
Angle  on  this  proposition." 

— Keith    Crombie. 

"I'd  like  a  drink,  but  1  have 
nothing  in  the  house  except  some 
very  poor,  diluted,  bootleg  Scotch.  " 

"Ah!  The  flesh  is  willing  but 
the  spirit's  week." 

*        *        * 

A  Shorn  Lamb 

Cornelius  lost  the  dough  he  had 

In  bucking  Wall  Street's  game; 
And  that,  at  once,  put  him  in  bad 

With  Caroline,  his  dame. 
She  threw  him  over  instantly, 

A  heartless  act,  I  know, 
"But  then,  1  have  no  use,"  said  she, 

"For  Cupid's  broken  beau !" 

—W.M.B. 


Urban  Chanteys 

"Be  sure  my  wave  is  permanent," 

The  little   Flapper  said, 
"Oh,  make  my  wavelets  permanent. 

For  I  shall  soon  be  wed; 
If  afterwards  he  finds  I'm  plain 

I'll  have  to  go  to  work  again. 
Be  sure  my  wave  is  permanent,  " 

The  little  Flapper  said. 

"Oh,  all  our  waves  are  permanent, 

Said  the  dresser  of  the  hairs; 
"Our  clients  all  are  beautiful 

And  marry  millionaires; 
And  we'll  be  sure    they're  perman- 
ent. 

So  you  can  go  ahead 
And  find  a  hub  that's  permanent." 

The  hirsute  artist  said. 

E.    R.    Durand. 

*        *        * 

Had  Heard  It  Before 

Wife  (reading):  "I  see  where 
"The    Perennial    Bachelor —  " 

Hubby:  "Ha!  I  know  that  one. 
He's  fallen  from  his  horse  again!" 


22 


C9IILIN 


C'tDLJu  I'-i^r?^- 


Near-sighted  Customer:  "I  have  asked  you  three  limes 
to  show  me  some  collars.  If  you  don't  do  something 
soon,  I  will  go  somewhere  else." 


The  Origin  of  a  Famous  Expression 

There  once  lived  four  brothers  all  subject  to  violent 
fits.  Their  names  were,  in  ascending  order  of  age, 
Axftzl,  Psncjf,  Ymgustfd  and  Csd. 

Now,  of  the  four,  Csd  was  in  the  far  worst  plight, 
He  was  always  having  fits.  The  family  doctor  gave 
him,  at  most,  a  year  to  live. 

Shortly  after  the  doctor  made  this  pronouncement, 
Psncfj  got  a  terrible  fit  in  a  tailor  shop  and  died 
within  a  few  days.  A  month  or  two  later,  Ymgusftd, 
despite  family  opposition,  joined  a  travelling  circus. 
As  he  was  totally  unfitted  for  this  life  by  reason  of  his 
fits,  he  soon  succumbed.  And  before  the  year  ex- 
pired, Axftzl,  who  was  fitter  than  you  would  imagine 
(he  was  a  steam-fitter  by  trade),  came  to  grief.  He 
had  a  fit  just  as  he  was  fitting  a  section  of  heavy  pipe 
over  his  head.  They  did  all  they  could  for  him  at 
the  hospital,  but  it  was  impossible  to  save  him. 

The  only  brother  left  now  was  Csd.  Although 
he  had  many  fits,  he  lived  on  in  spite  of  the  doctor's 
prediction.  Years  passed,  the  doctor  himself  died, 
but  still  Csd  hung  on,  apparently  no  nearer  the  grave 
than  before. 

Everyone  was  amazed.  It  remained  for  one  of 
Csd's  acquaintances  to  sum  the  thing  up  in  a  witty 
phrase  that  has  since  become  famous.  "This,"  he 
said,  "is  the  survival  of  the  fittest." 

—R.  K.  Hall 


A    Summer    Serenade 

Now  the  summertime,  returning. 

Bids  us  leave  the  smoky  city. 

Bid  adieu  the  pavements  burning. 

My  canoe,  so  light  and  pretty, 

Restless  waits  with  wanton  yearning 

To  transport  us  down  the  river 

Where  the  ferry  boat  is  churning 

Up  the  mud,  and  all  a-quiver 

Are  the  paper  boxes  floating 

From  the  haunts  of  gay  picnickers. 

Come,  my  love  and  let's  be  boating 

Where  the  golden  sunlight  flickers 

On  the  sewage!      Let  us  find  us 

Blown  by  gently,  scented  zephyrs 

From  the  gas-works  that  remind  us. 

Of  the  abbatoir's  sad  heifers! 

There  we'll  keep  love's  sweet  appointment, 

Where  the  cats  go  drifting  slow. 

Then  we'll  buy  some  insect  ointment 

And  we'll  page  the  medico. 

— Stephen  Moon. 

*        *        * 

Life  on  the  Mississip' 

A  fellow  once  applied  at  the  office  of  a  big  steam- 
boat line  in  St.  Louis  for  a  job  as  pilot  on  one  of  the 
boats  plying  between  St.  Louis  and  Memphis. 

"Do  you  know  where  all  of  the  snags  in  the  river 
are?  "  asked  the  superintendent. 

"No,"  replied  the  Applicant,  "1  don't!" 

"Then  what  in  the  devil  do  you  mean  by  coming 
here  and  asking  for  a  job  as  a  pilot  then?"  asked  the 
surly  superintendent. 

"Well,  "  replied  the  man,  "maybe  I  don't  know 
where  all  of  the  snags  ARE,  but  1  know  where  they 
AIN'T,  and  that's  where  I  do  MY  pilotin'I"  replied 
the  applicant  for  the  job. 

He  got  the  job. 

A  new  $3,000,000  hotel  in  Chicago  will  be  named 
"The  Coolidge."      It  ought  to  be  a  nice  quiet  place. 


"Oh,  Emily,  lei  down  the  drafts." 


C9BLIN 


23 


taT^ 


A  Deep  Sea  Mystery 


24 


Goblin 


Birds  in  his  belfry, 

To  his  friends'  great  sorrow; 
Chirps  in  his  chassis, 

Repair  bills  to-morrou\ 

Crazy,  isn't  it,  but  those  little  Imps  of  Friction  make 
car-owner  coo-coo.  Tell  your  service  man  to  Alemite 
car. 


im&- 


S"^ 


)BLIN 


A^W 


t&e 


ear 


^U  Can  ^^X 

''^  prices  c^'^'^'ionJ'''.^^-'- 


P0^. 


stent 


^ith 


TfAe;, 


f/iij 


in 


pries 


OH'. 


as 


til 


'ng  to 


fA 


youfc 


reli, 


Uy 


'"'i^hh. 


mak. 


er. 


Ub, 


eh 


est 
?  the 


get 


ays 

Protoc 

proud 


nt'V'''pp^d 


Prese 


Ctlotj. 

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arner 


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Ednioi 


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One 

of  our  National 

Messages  during  1926  reaching  the 

potential  car  buyers  in  every  community* 


26 


C9DLIN 


My-^J.' 


"Of  course  they  all  have  a  slight  motion,  madame." 


-New  Yorker. 


Remember 

When    you    and    I    were    seventeen! 

Remember,  dear?      I  do — 

Your   gingham   gowns   and   chestnut   curls 

And  laughing  eyes  of  blue; 

Remember  by  the  old  mill  pond 

The  time  our  lips  first  met  — 

You    taught   me   everything   you'd    learned 

Of  life  and  love — and  yet 

You  were  so  smooth   I   never  knew, 

Alas!    until    too   late. 

When  you  and   I   were  seventeen 

That    you    were    twenty-eight. 

—Froth 

*        *        * 

Teacher:      "Isadore,    use    the    word    'statuesque'    in 
a  sentence.  " 

Isadore:     "Vot  statuesque?" 

— Dartmouth   Jack.-o-Lantern 


Now    we    know    why   so    many    stations   broadcast 
jazz.      It  can't  be  interrupted  by  static. 

—N.Y.U.  Medley 


-■^'^C^"^ 
&^— ^^\ 


Teacher: 

'profanity. 

Johnny: 


Perfect 

'  Johnny,     give     me     a     sentence     using 

"Dammit!" 

— Georgia     Tech     Yellow    Jacket 


"He  couldn't  stand  seating" 


Record. 


C9DLIN 


27 


c 


CA//l=-ftP// 


'//ou)  Columbus  k.new  it  was  America." 


IVidow. 


Astigmatism 

She  was  frightfully  near-sighted 
and  couldn't  recognize  things  more 
than  a  yard  away.  Her  lover  didn't 
know  of  it  yet  and  she  was  going 
to  make  sure  he  didn't  find  out. 
Before  he  called  this  evening,  she 
placed  a  pin  in  a  tree  about  fifty 
feet  from  a  bench  where  she  was 
certain  they  would  sit. 

Sure  enough,  they  strolled  for 
some  time  in  the  garden  and  then 
he  suggested  sitting  on  the  bench, 

"Oh,  look  at  the  pin  in  that  tree 
over  there!"  she  exclaimed. 

"Don't  be  foolish!  You  couldn't 
possibly  see  a  pin  in  that  tree  over 
there.  Why  it's  over  fifty  feet 
away." 


"You  come  with  me  and  I'll 
prove  there's  a  pin  in  that  tree." 

She  grabbed  him  by  the  hand 
and  they  started  for  the  tree. 

On  the  way,  she  stumbled  over  a 
cow, 

—  Tiger. 

*  *      * 

Peter — "How  many  in  your 
family?" 

Pan — "Nine." 

Peter — "Are  you   the  oldest?" 

Pan — "No,  my  father." 

— Centre    Colonial. 

*  *      * 

"Actions  speak  louder  than 
words.  " 

"Don't  be  so  noisy." 

—  Banter. 


Strange 

An  old  deaf  lady  was  being  intro- 
duced to  a  gentleman. 

"Mrs.   Morris,   I   would  like  you 
to  meet  Mr.  Heifindinger." 

"Mr.  who?" 

"Mr.  Heifindinger." 

"That's  funny;   it  sounded  just 
like  Heifindinger.  " 

— Lyre. 


Simple  Arithmetic 
Prof. — "How      many      make      a 
dozen?" 

Class — "Twelve." 

Prof. — "How  many  make  a  mil- 
lion?" 

Class — "Darn  few.  "  — Log. 


28 


C9IIUN 


Careless 

"Do  you  file  your  finger  nails?" 
"No,    I    just    throw    them    away 
after  I  cut  them  off.  " 

— Michigan  Gargoyle. 
*      *      * 
Butcher  Gay  Pome 

1  never  sausage  eyes  as  thine, 
And   if   you'll    butcher   hand    in 
mine 
And  liver  round  me  every  day 

We'll  seek  a  ham-let  far  away; 
We'll  meet  life's  frown  with  love's 
caress 
And  cleaver  road  to  happiness. 

— Ranger. 

*  *        * 

Definition 

Teacher:  "How  many  know  the 
difference  between  a  stoic  and  a 
cynic?  " 

Ikey:  "I  do.  A  cynic  is  de  place 
vere  you  vash  de  dishes  vile  de 
stoik  iss  de  boid  that  brings  de 
baby." 

—  Whirlwind. 

*  *        * 

Fed  Up? 

Relax:  "What's  the  height  of 
inconsistency?" 

Reflux:  "A  vaudeville  contor- 
tionist refusing  to  sleep  in  an  upper 
berth!" 

Father:  "My  boy,  why  are  you 
burning  all  those  postage  stamps?" 

Son :  "1  flunked  ou t  of  the  corres- 
pondence school." 

— Pelican. 

*  *        * 

The  luckiest  fleas  in  the  world 
were  on  the  Ark.     A  dog  apiece. 

—  Voo  Doo. 

"What  do  you  charge  for  a 
ticket  to  Podunk?" 

"We  don't  charge  anything.  You 
pay  cash  or  walk." 

— Purple  Parrot. 

*  *        * 

The  Campus  Romeo  says  he  has 
named  his  left  arm  "The  Wanderer 
of  the  Waistlines." 

— Belle  Hop. 


"Tripe?  Oh,  I'm  mad  about 
tripe!" 

"Me   loo.      I  always  say  I'd  do 
almost  anything  fer  a  bit  a'  tripe." 
— New  Yorker. 

Beg  Your  Pardon ! 

Passenger:  "Do  you  stop  at  the 
Shenley  apartments?" 

Motorman:  "No,  I  can't  afford 
to." 

— Carnegie   Tech   Puppet. 
*      *      * 

Professor:  "Tomorrow  we  will 
take  the  life  of  Cleopatra.  Come 
prepared."  — Brown  Jug. 


Not[So  Bad 

"Oh!"  exhaled  the  sweet  young 
thing,  "1  want  popularity  in  the 
worst  way." 

"Well,  "  broadcasted  her  escort, 
"you'll  get  it  if  you  go  after  it  in 
that  way." 

— Orange   Owl. 

*  *        * 

Visitor — "Can  you  tell  me  if 
Bill  Jones  is  up  in  his  room?" 

Frosh — "Sorry,  there's  no  one 
home  on  the  top  story." 

Visitor — "Oh,  excuse  me,  I'll 
ask  someone  else." 

— Purple  Parrot. 

*  *        * 

"I  may  be  a  garbage  man's 
daughter,  but  I  know  a  swell  dump 
when  I  see  it.  " 

— Puppet. 

*  *        * 

Naughty!  Naughtyj 

Madame  X:  "So  you've  been  to 
Italy,  have  you?  And  how  did  you 
enjoy  Bologna?" 

Tourist:  "Oh,  just  fine;  but  little 
Guinevere  u^ou Wswallow the  skins." 

^Chaparral. 

*  *        * 

One  boozed  was  heard  to  say: 
"Why,  thish  key's  got  a  door  on 

it." 

— Johns  Hopkins  Black  of^<I  Blue 

Jay- 

A  Personal   Touch 

The  professor  had  asked  time 
and  again  for  the  students  to  put 
more  personal  touch  in  their 
themes,  so  one  of  the  papers  which 
he  received  ended  thus: 

"Well,  professor,  how  are  the 
wife  and  kiddies;  and,  by  the  way, 
before  I  forget  it,  could  you  lend 
me  five  dollars?" 

— Penn  Punch  Bowl. 

*     *     * 

Reward  of  Merit 

Sweet  Young  Thing:  "And  how 
did  you  win  your  D.S.O.?" 

Tuff  Old  Sojer:  "I  saved  the 
lives  of  my  entire  regiment." 

S.  Y.  T:  "Wonderful!  And 
how  did  you  do  that?" 

T.O.  S.:     "I  shot  the  cook." 

— Purple  Parrot. 


Goblin 


29 


PROFESSORS! 


1 

Tatipt 

MUSIC        LITEPATUPE 

ART 

CCULPTUfiE\M0TO(?r 

<;POPTS- 

DANCING      NI%UFE 
CINEMA                  "^^ 

FASHIONS 

WORLD  AFFAIRS 

1 

©  Vanity  Fair 


Have  you  mislaid  Life? 


Does  your  notion  of  modem  literature  stop  short  at  Conrad  ? 
Did  you  abandon  the  theatre  when  Maude  Adams  retired? 
Did  you  stop  dancing  when  the  Castles  appeared?  Are  all 
your  dates  in  history  and  none  on  your  engagement  pad? 
Do  your  students  call  you  "Old  Something-or-other"  and 
does  it  hurt  a  bit? 

You  need  Vanity  Fair 


Vanity  Fair  gives  you  compactly  every  month 
an  unusual  account  of  the  important  happen- 
ings in  this  amusing  world  of  ours.  The  stage 
and  screen  .  .  .  painting  and  sculpture  .  .  . 
motors  and  sports  .  .  .  modem  music  and 
letters  .  .  .  dancing  and  crazes  .  .  .  celebrities 
and  notorieties  .  .  .  even  world  affairs  .  .  . 
all  are  considered  from  a  sophisticated  point 
of  view. 

These  accounts  are  spiced  with  the  liveliest  of 
humor  .  .  .  the  most  piquant  of  satire.  They 
are  garnished  lavishly  with  photographs  and 
drawings  of  the  actors  in  the  comedy. 

Special  Offer! 
10 

issues  of 

VANITY  FAIR 

$2.00 


Read  Vanity  Fair  and  you'll  understand  your 
students  better.  Youth  is  worth  comprehend- 
ing. Flexibility  and  freshness  of  mind  are 
good  to  keep . 

Salt  your  life  with  humor.  Learn  to  enjoy  the 
indictmert-by-satire  of  the  very  world  you 
live  in. 

And  if  you  don't  like  Vanity  Fair,  at  least  it 
will  teach  you  what  to  disapprove!  You  can 
be  up  to  the  moment  in  your  prejudices  any- 
how.    Sign  the  coupon  below  and  send  it  now. 


VANITY  FAIR, 
Greenwich,  Conn. 

I  have  cancelled  my  lectures  on  anthro- 
pology and  will  devote  the  time  to  Vanity 
Fair.  Enclosed  find  $2.00  for  ten  issues  of 
Vanity  Fair. 

Name 


Address,. 
City  _.. 


30 


'Dear,  dear,  Mother's  wailing  up  for  me  again!' 


-Record, 


GoBLII 


31 


Nocturne 

Do  cats  convene   upon  your  alley 

curb, 
And  with  fierce  yowlings,  all  your 

dreams  disturb? 
Oh,  scorn   them  not,   nor  all   their 

noise  and  din; 
Nor    yet.    with    missiles,    on    them 

vengeance  take. 
In   later   days,    some   part  of  each 

may  make 
The  music  of  a  master  violin! 

— Myrtle  Conger. 

*  *        * 

What  Have  You  in  Chicago? 

A  certain  man  who  had  always 
been  a  conscientious  and  law- 
abiding,  if  somewhat  wormlike, 
citizen  was  led  by  a  strange 
sequence  of  circumstances  to  com- 
mit murder.  His  friends  procured 
for  him  a  good  lawyer  who  urged 
the  defense  of  insanity.  The  man 
protested.  Nevertheless,  at  the 
trial,  the  lawyer  did  plead  insanity 
and  seemed  to  be  winning  his 
case,  when  the  defendent  arose 
dramatically  with  upraised  hand. 
"Don't!"  he  said.  "1  can't  stand 
it.  Judge,  I'm  as  sane  as  any  man 
here!"  His  Honor  did  not  know 
quite  how  to  take  this,  but  the 
lawyer  saved  the  situation.  "Your 
Honor,"  he  said,  "this  man  has 
committed  murder  and  refuses  to 
plead  insanity.  Can  you  doubt 
that  he  is  crazy?" 

"He's  wild  enough  to  be  dan- 
gerous," said  the  judge.  "Lock 
him  up."  — Tiger. 

^  ^  ^ 

When  better  women  are  built, 
Ziegfield  will  bill  them. 

— Rice  Owl. 

*  *        * 

Dead  Right 

"What's  all  the  rush?" 
"Going  out  to  the  cemetery." 
"Anybody    dead? " 

"Yep.     All  of  them." 

*  *        * 

In:  My  boy,  you'd  better  take 
a   taxi   home.  " 

Ebriate:  No,  sir;  the  boys 
wouldn't  let  me  keep  it." 

— Flamingo. 

*  *        * 

Snake  (using  'phone):  "Give 
me  22  double  2." 

Central:   "2222?" 

Snake:  "Yeh,  hurry  up.  I'll 
play   train    with  you   afterwards." 

—Log. 


25.  Years 
in  use 

no  dru^s 
no  harm 


The  Mothersill  Remedy  Co.  Ltd. 
NewYork. Montreal.  London,  Paris 


Nerve 


Marmaduke     Fogarty 
criminal  "   (Daily  News) 


"arch- 
master- 
mind of  the  underworld  "  (Daily 
Blues)  and  "torso  mystery  man  " 
(Evening  Dole),  had  been  captured. 
The  police  could  wring  nothing 
from  him.  In  the  racking  ordeal 
of  the  third  degree  he  had  remained 
stolid,  unperturbed.  Throughout 
the  whole  trial  his  composure,  his 
serenity,  had  been  perfect.  Over- 
whelming evidence,  however,  had 
caused  his  conviction.  Now, 
marching  to  his  death,  he  remained 
cool  and  steady.  As  he  was  being 
strapped  in  the  chair  someone 
ventured  to  ask  him  how  he  could 
be  so  calm.  "1  owe  it  all  to 
Smither's  Nerve  Tonic,  "  he 
answered.  —  Advt. 

—  Tiger. 


"You  ash  for  alms.      If  I  give  you 
money  you  will  only  use  itfordrink. 

"Oh.  no,  madam.      I  want  to  have 
my  photograph  taken!" 

— Pele  Mele,  Paris. 


Beauty  That  Attracts 

— so  enchanting  and  allur- 
ing it  commands  the  admir- 
ation of  all.  You  can 
possess  this  soft,  fascinating 
appearance  instantly  thru 

GoURAUDS  ^^ 

ORIENTAL  CREAM 

Made  in  White  -  Flesh  -  Rachel 

Send  10c.  for  Trial  Si:e 

Ferd.  T.  Hopkins  &.  Son.  (Montreal 


A  Russian  was  being  led  off  to 
execution  by  a  squad  of  Bolshevik 
soldiers  on  a  rainy  morning. 

"What  brutes  you  Bolsheviks 
are,  "  grumbled  the  doomed  one, 
"to  march  me  through  a  rain  like 
this." 

'How  about  us?  "  retorted  one  of 
the  squad.  "We  have  got  to 
march  back." 

—  Western. 


When  You  Do 

Not  Feel  Like 

"a  Regular  Meal" 

BOVRIL 

Will  Fill  the  Gap 


M 


32 


Goblin 


GENTLEMEN  PREFER 
BLONDES.  By  Anita  Loos. 
Toronto:  McLean  and  Smithers, 
Publishers. 

Gentlemen  prefer  ladies  who 
prefer  "Gentlemen  PreferBlondes." 
As  a  gauge  of  a  sense  of  humour, 
this  monumental  epic  of  the  dainty 
lily  who  toils  not  but  spins  around 
a  good  deal  is  the  best  of  the  cur- 
rent works.  In  fact  it  is  the  best 
humorous  book  that  has  come 
to  our  notice  since  Donald  Ogden 
Stewart  produced  "Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Haddock   Abroad." 

As  you  no  doubt  know  by  this 
time,  it  is  the  delightfully  naive 
diary  of  Lorelei  Lee,  the  little  girl 
from  Little  Rock,  whom  the  big- 
hearted  Mr.  Einstein  of  Chicago 
is  educating.  It  appears  that 
prior  to  her  arrival  in  New  York, 
dear  little  innocent  Lorelei  had 
inadvertently  shot  a  man  or  two, 
but  when  we  meet  her,  her  in- 
nocence, which  is  the  kind  that 
won't  wear  off,  is  as  fresh  as  ever. 
Lorelei  is  a  sort  of  collector.  She 
collects  a  number  of  useful  ar- 
ticles, such  as  diamonds,  brace- 
lets, necklaces,  fur  coats,  orchids 
and  gentlemen,  especially  gentle- 
men who  are  sufficiently  chival- 
rous to  enjoy,  or  at  least  take 
without  too  much  protest,  the 
daily  shopping  trip  which  is  part 
of  Lorelei's  setting-up  exercises. 
Lorelei  has  a  friend,  Dorothy, 
also  in  the  business,  who,  however, 
has  a  habit  of  allowing  her  gen- 
uine feelings  to  intrude  upon  a 
situation  with  the  result  that  her 
work   lacks   the   true   artistry   and 


The    Gold     Books     and     the 
Dross 

By  Ron  Ecerson 

Some   ink.  ond  some  thread  and 
some  paper 
Maf^e  all  of  most    volumes,    I 
fear; 
But   one    may   burn    bright   as   a 
taper 
At  an  altar  with  angels  near. 

Thousands     of     book.s     are     but 
lumber 
In  jackets  of  jade  and  maroon. 
But     one      in      the      numberless 
number 
May  be  mad  as  the  midsummer 
moon. 

And  seek,  you  fine  books  for  the 
reading 
(And  not  that  a  guest  may  see); 
To  find  them   yourself  you'd  be 
reading 
To  the  last  of  eternity. 

Warm  days   though  you   read  in 
the  wood-nooks. 
Cold    nights     by    the    log    fire 
curled. 
To  learn  by  yourself  of  the  good 
books 
You  would  read  to  the  end  of 
the  world. 

But  poorly  paid  fellows  and  cross 

ones 
Have  made  it  quite  simple  for 

you 
To    kf^ow    he  gold  books  from 

the  dross  ones: 
You    have    merely   to    read   the 

review. 


finesse  which  distinguishes  Lor- 
elei's  technique. 

Mr.  Einstein  thought  it  would 
be  a  good  idea  to  send  Lorelei  and 
Dorothy  abroad  to  further  their 
education,  so  theymake  the  Grand 
Tour  of  London  (and  England) 
and  a  good  deal  of  Europe,  doing 
a  certain  amount  of  collecting  on 
the  side.  The  adventures  of  the 
two  delectable  pirates  on  this  trip 
comprise  the  bulk  of  the  book. 

Lorelei  and  Dorothy  will  con- 
vince you  that  the  spirit  of  the 
James  brothers  still  lives,  and, 
what  is  more,  it  is  a  one-sided 
wager  to  bet  that  you  will  fall  for 
them  as  heartily  as  their  earnest 
victims. 

ALL  THE  SAD  YOUNG  MEN. 
By  F.  Scott  Fitzgerald.  Toronto: 
Copp  Clark,  Publishers. 

F.  Scott  Fitzgerald  is  one  of 
those  writers  who,  at  the  outset  of 
their  career,  established  themsleves 
as  a  sort  of  legend.  In  all  cor- 
ners of  the  continent  among  the 
younger  generation  a  year  or 
so  ago,  were  to  be  found  under- 
graduates and  debutantes  who 
had  friends  who  knew  a  man  from 
Boston  or  Darien,  Conn.,  who 
drove  a  Stutz  and  was  on  a  party 
with  the  Fitzgeralds,  and  who 
spoke  thus  and  thus  (apologies 
to  Michael  Arlen).  It  was  ru- 
moured that  they  spend  $36,000 
a  year,  that  his  wife,  known  to 
the  younger  drinking  set  as  Zelda, 
was  the  heroine  of  "This  Side  of 
Paradise,  "  of  "The  Beautiful  and 
Damned,"     or    of    whatever    was 


C9DLIN 


33 


Fitzgerald's  best  story  in  the 
opinion  of  the  speaker.  Every- 
where Fitzgerald  was  accepted 
as  a  symbol  of  something,  and 
whatever  he  chose  to  write  took 
on  an  oracular  quality  among  his 
admirers. 

This  glamour  was  not  confined 
to  the  younger  set.  Many  of  the 
more  conservative  and  well-known 
critics  spotted  large  deposits  of 
talent  in  the  Fitzgerald  claim, 
and  hastened  to  bestow  the  dip- 
loma of  their  "discovery"  upon 
him  on  the  publication  of  "This 
Side  of  Paradise."  His  subse- 
quent works,  while  immensely  pop- 
ular, were  not  regarded  as  justi- 
fying the  promise  of  his  first  and 
somewhat  immature  novel,  until 
the  arrival  of  "The  Great  Gatsby," 
which  was  generally  acclaimed 
one  of  the  best  novels  of  the  year. 
This  volume  of  short  stories  will 
not  likely  add  to  the  author's 
reputation,  but  a  few  of  them, 
such  as  "The  Adjustor,  "  and 
"Gretchen's  Forty  Winks  "  will 
do  much  towards  establishing  it 
more  firmly.  "Winter  Dreams" 
is  the  story  which  most  nearly 
approaches  the  "This  Side  of  Para- 
dise" manner,  and  though  much 
lauded  on  the  jacket,  seems  to 
me  somewhat  pointless  and  in- 
effectual. "The  Baby  Party  "  is 
funny,  but  "The  Adjustor,  "  while 
somewhat  inclined  to  be  tedious 
in  spots,  is  of  the  first  water;  in 
fact  it  is  a  story  which  almost 
demands  a  second  reading. 

THE  LOVE  NEST.  By  Ring 
Lardner.  Scribncrs,  Ltd.,  Pub- 
lishers. 

"The  Love  Nest  "  is  chiefly 
notable  because  it  contains  "Hair- 
cut" which  I  consider  to  be  the 
best  short  story  that  has  come  my 
way  these  many  years.  "Haircut" 
appeared  in  O'Brien's  volume  of 
the  best  short  stories  of  1925,  and 
was  everywhere  acclaimed  as  Lard- 
ner's  masterpiece,  if  any.  Other 
sketches  are  for  the  most  part 
written  in  legitimate  short  story 
style,  only  one  or  two  being  in 
the    familiar    Lardnerese    of   news- 


paper syndicate  fame.  The  title 
story  is  amusing,  but  "The  Zone 
of  Quiet"  and  "Who  Dealt?"  are 
screamingly   funny. 

Throughout  all  the  stories,  Lard- 
ner's  ability  to  submerge  his  own 
person  while  at  the  same  time 
to  trade  in  on  his  unique  personal- 
ity, is  displayed  to  great  advantage. 
The  introduction,  which  is  a  mock 
appreciation  of  Lardner  purporting 
to  be  written  by  a  certain  Miss 
Spooldripper,  starts  well  off,  but 
the  course  is  a  little  too  long  for 
the  pace  of  the  first  two  or  three 
pages  to  be  maintained  throughout. 

All  are  excellent,  and  should  do 
much  to  establish  the  short  story 
collection  as  a  formidable  rival 
to   the   novel   as   a   popular  seller. 

SHOIV  BUSINESS.  By  Thyra 
Samier  Winslow.  MacMillan, 
Toronto,  $2.50. 

What  we  would  like  the  Tor- 
onto book  censors  to  tell  us  is 
how  they  allowed  this  sparkling 
romance  of  a  chorus-girl  to  mount 
the  book-stalls,  when  they  turned 
their  thumbs  down  on  Dreiser's 
"An  American  Tragedy."  We 
don't  know  whether  Mrs.  Winslow 
has  ever  been  on  the  stage,  but 
if  she  hasn't  she  has  had  an  op- 
portunity to  make  a  very  close 
study  of  those  volatile  ladies  of 
the  merry-merry.  In  this  story 
we  have  an  interesting  close-up 
of  Helen  Taylor  from  her  early 
school-days,  right  up  through  her 
apprenticeship  with  a  road-show, 
to  her  final  success  as  a  "Frivol- 
ities" girl,  and  then  up  the  aisle 
to  the  altar.  When  Helen  ar- 
rived at  this  last  goal  she  could 
look  her  husband  in  the  eye 
knowing  that  he  was  getting  a 
"good  "  girl.  She  was  like  the 
retired  female  acrobat  who  ret- 
rospectively boasted:  "Thirty 
years  in  the  circus  and  never  lost 
a   spangle.  " 

THE  SAGA  OF  BILLY  THE 
KID.  By  Waller  Noble  Burns. 
S.  B.  Goudy  Co.,  Toronto,  $2.50. 
Nowadays, according  to  the  daily 

prints,    when    a    New   Yorker   feels 


a  yen  to  "bump  someone  off"  he 
satisfies  that  desire  right  in  his 
own  home  or,  at  best,  doesn't 
go  farther  afield  than  Philadelphia 
or  Buffalo.  It  appears  that  a 
different  tradition  held  when  Wil- 
liam Bonney,  afterwards  Billy  the 
Kid,  was  born.  He  felt  restless, 
went  West,  became  a  cowvoy 
outlaw,  and  by  the  time  he  met 
his  death  at  twenty-one  years  of 
age  he  had  killed  twenty-one  men, 
not  counting  Indians.  In  spite 
of  all  this  he  was  the  idol  of  the 
Southwest.  Even  though  there  is 
evidence  of  waning  interest  in 
"Westerns  "  on  the  part  of  movie 
fans,  this  book  should  be  popular, 
for  it  is  a  thoroughly  entertaining 
tale  of  adventure  and  is  an  his- 
torical item  of  interest. 

THE  PRIVATE  LIFE  OF 
HELEN  OF  TROY.  By  John 
Erskine.  McLellan  &  Stewart, 
Toronto,  $2.50. 

You  are  hereby  advised  to 
read,  if  you  have  not  already  done 
so,  this  delightfully  written  story 
of  the  home  life  in  Hellas  of  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Menelaos  and  their 
daughter  Hermione.  Mrs.  Men- 
elaos (Helen  of  Troy)  was  beauti- 
ful and  perhaps  over-amiable.  At 
any  rate,  she  felt  that  a  woman 
was  very  silly  to  be  inhibited,  and 
so  her  first  avenue  of  escape,  as 
we  Freudians  have  nick-named 
it,  was  to  skip  off  to  Troy  (Ilium) 
with  a  week-end  guest  by  the  name 
of  Paris,  Menelaos  followed, 
fought  for  her,  forgave  her  frolic 
and  brought  her  home.  The 
Menelaoses,  once  back  home  again, 
may  have  thought  they  had 
troubles,  what  with  coming  to  an 
agreement  on  a  suitable  husband 
for  Hermione,  and  with  gossipy 
neighbours,  but  their  domestic 
life  was  a  "love  nest"  existence 
compared  to  that  of  their  near 
relatives,  Agamemnon  and  Cly- 
temnestra.  In  this  latter  house- 
hold, if  a  murder  or  suicide  or 
something  like  that  didn't  happen 
nearly  every  day  they  worried 
lest  they  fail  to  hang  up  a  record 
that  the  Chicago  (111.)  gang  boys 
{Continued  on  page  34) 


34 


Goblin 


Nice-    Abouj"  Jhem 

Something  iRRESisrABL>f 

NIFTY-  SOMETHING 
THATS  BOUND  TO 
SATISFY  THE  MOST 
EXACTINGTASTE. 

YOULL  NOTICE 

ALLTHISANO 

ALOTMOR.E 
ABOUT- 


(^eQaranteeo 


HIRT 


- — — <44A^ 


Books 

{Continued  from  page  33) 
would  reach  before  a  divine  Provi- 
dence (heaven)  sent  along  another 
cow  to  kick  over  a  lantern  and 
burn  down  Chicago.  This  story 
is  so  cleverly  written  and  the 
entire  dialogue  is  so  engagingly 
handled  that  you  are  bound  to 
like   it. 

CLARA  BARRON.  By  Harvey 
O'Higgins.  The  Musson  Book. 
Co.,  Toronto.  $2.00. 
This  Canadian  author,  now  liv- 
ing in  the  United  States,  has 
written  a  fine  novel,  the  opening 
scenes  of  which  are  laid  in  Canada, 
and  which  ends  on  a  Canadian 
note.  For  the  rest,  the  observa- 
tions are  "New  York,  but,  withal, 
interesting  New  York."  Clara 
Barron,  started  life  as  Clara  Fer- 
renden.  Her  disgust  with  a 
worthless  father  caused  the  met- 
amorphosis in  name  and  soul. 
When  her  mother  dies  and  her 
younger  sister  wins  the  affection 
of  the  boy  she  thinks  she  loves, 
she  goes  to  New  York.  A  job  as 
waitress  in  a  restaurant  resulted 
in  her  meeting  with  Wayl,  a 
young  socialist  who  washed  dishes 
there.     Then  followed   a  job  in  a 


laundry.  From  this  she  drifted 
into  writing  for  newspapers.  Mr. 
O'Higgins  in  developing  consider- 
able action  around  these  two, 
reverts  to  a  situation  he  has  used 
with  effect  heretofore,  and  that 
is  of  a  young  woman  mothering 
a  shiftless  dreamer.  The  end  of  this 
worthwhile  psychological  study 
is  enthralling  and  climatically 
tragic.  This  department  recom- 
mends the  story  to  your  apprecia- 
tion. 

OTHER  PEOPLE'S  DAUGH- 
TERS. By  Eleanor  Rowland 
Wcmhridge.  Thomas  Allen,  Tor- 
onto.    $2.50. 

The  slip-cover  on  this  book 
gives  the  sub-title:  "17  Studies 
from  Life  of  City  Girls  and  Their 
Surroundings.  "  It  might  be  ad- 
ded that  these  city  girls,  with  one 
exception,  came  from  homes  or 
lived  in  environments  where  the 
influence  wasn't  very  conducive 
to  decency  and  good  conduct. 
The  author,  besides  being  a  doctor 
of  philosophy  and  psychologist 
of  the  Women's  Protective  Associ- 
ation, Cleveland,  Ohio,  has  a 
remarkably  facile  pen.  The  short 
story,   per   se,   is   practically    non- 


existent in  the  United  States 
to-day.  This  writer,  however, 
with  something  that  is  more  than 
talent  gives  a  lesson  which  most 
short-story  writers  might  look  into 
with  profit.  At  the  same  time 
the  book  provides  an  interesting 
study  for  psychology  students  of 
all  classes,  and  first-rate  enter- 
tainment for  readers  of  fiction, 
even  if  the  stories  (we  believe) 
are   actually    true. 

THEY  HAD    TO  SEE  PARIS. 

By  Homer   Croy.      Toronto:    The 

Musson  Book  Co.,  Ltd., 

Some  books  are  written  to  amuse; 
others  to  instruct,  a  few  to  enter- 
tain.     It's  a  puzzle  to  classify  this. 

The  Peters  had  to  see  Paris. 
Only  the  unfortunate  reviewer  has 
to  read  about  it.  The  Peters 
didn't  see  Paris  after  all;  they  saw 
some  city  of  Mr.  Croy's  imagin- 
ings. Mr.  Croy's  imagination 
gave  out  early  in  the  book,  where- 
fore the  Peters  left  this  co-called 
Paris  for  the  chateau  country. 

Mr.    Croy,  being   a   hater   of   all 

things    American,   has    given     the 

Peters  all  the  worst  characteristics 

and    antics    of    the    objectionable 

{Continued  on  page  45) 


Goblin 


35 


"The  boss  just  made  a  cutting  remark.  " 

"Finish " 

"Said  he  was  going  to  reduce  my  salary.  " 

—  Wampus. 

*  *        * 

Big  Sister:  "What  would  you  say,  Alice  dear  ,if 
1  told  you  I  was  going  to  marry  Mr.  Snoodle? 

Little  Alice:  "Oh,  so  that's  why  father  was  clean- 
ing  his   shotgun   yesterday.'  — Yale   Record. 

*  *        * 

"What's  the  ideal  honeymoon  salad?" 

"1    pass.  " 

"Lettuce  alone."  — Sniper. 

*  *        * 

"Hubby,   1  saved  ten  dollars  today." 

"What   did   you    buy?"  — Pitt   Panther. 

*  *        * 

Customer:  (in  department  store) — -"I-I-I-I-  w-w- 
w-want- " 

Saleslady  (who  is  experienced) — "Ladies'  under- 
wear counter  three  aisles  back.  " 

^—The    Masquerader. 

Little  Girl — "Pa,  it's  raining." 

Father — "Well,  let  it  rain." 

Little   Girl — "1    was   goin'    to,    pa.  "        — Drawl. 

*  *        * 

A — "What  can   1   do  for  falling  hair?  " 

B — "Get    out    of     the     way."  — Puppet. 


Jt  little  higher 
in  priccbul-^ 
whald  wonderful 
difference  a  few 
cenis  make. 


PLAYER'S 

NAVY   CUT 

CIGARETTES 


Ddi^tfUhl  cool 
and  sweet  sDioking" 


"I'd  walk  a  mile  for  a  Camel,  " 
remarked  the  Arab  as  his  Ford 
expired  in  the  desert. 

— Middlebury  Blue  Babboon. 


Meeting  the  blinding 
glare  in  safety 

THIS  amazing  new  Protectolite  makes 
night  driving  safe.  Xo  more  coll- 
isions. It  protects  you  from  blinding 
headlights. 

It  keeps  you  on  the  road — safe. 
Protectolite  is  not  a  spotlight.  Mounted 
under  the  right  fender,  behind  the 
wheel,  it  throws  a  broad  beam  of  light 
just  where  your  wheel  is  going  to  go. 
It  lights  up  the  danger  that  lurks  in 
the  ditch. 

Don't  risk  your  life  another  moment. 
Get  this  amazing  safety  lamp  now — at 
any  dealer  or  garage.     Price  X8.75. 

PROTECTOLITE  CO.  OF  CANADA 

422  St.   James  Street,    Montreal 

Railway   &    Power   I-.ngineerine   Corpn. 
l.V?  Eastern  Ave.,  Toronto.  Ont. 


Answered 

A  certain  seed  company  had 
received  from  one  customer  fifteen 
applications  for  free  samples  of 
their  splendid  pea  seeds,  and 
when  the  sixteenth  arrived  in  the 
morning  post  the  chief  of  the  post 
order  department  decided  it  was 
time  he  did  something. 

He  dictated  a  letter  to  the  man 
which   ran    thus: 

"Dear  Sir:  1  am  sending  you 
the  seeds  as  requested,  but  what 
are  you  doing  with  so  much?  Are 
you  planting  the  whole  of  your 
suburb    with    peas?" 

A  few  days  later  he  received  a 
reply   from  his  customer. 

"No,"  it  ran,  "we  are  not  plant- 
ing them  at  all.  The  wife  uses 
them  for  soup.  " 

— Answers. 
*        *        * 

American  Tourist  in  Scotland — 
"Say,  sonny,  could  you  tell  me  if 
this  is  Aberdeen?" 

Sonny — "Weel,  if  ye  gae  me 
saxpence,  I'll  tell  ye." 

Lady  in  Back.  Seal  -  "Drive  on, 
dear,   it  must  be  Aberdeen." 

—Belle   Hop. 


A    Birdie 

"How  now,  Orestes,  why  has 
thou  quit  smoking?" 

"Forsooth,  Eumenides,  some  one 
has  said  that  every  time  I  inhale 
1  take  into  my  lungs  enough  nico- 
tine  to  kill  a  large-sized  canary." 

"I  prithee,  Orestes,  what  of  it?" 

"By  Zeus,  1  have  no  desire  to 
kill  a  poor  defenceless  canary." 

— Brown  Jug. 

*        *        * 

"Sonny,  1  have  something  very 
shocking  to  tell  you." 

"Yes—" 

"You've  been  told,  you  know, 
that  around   Christmas — " 

"Aw,  I  know.  There  ain't  no 
Santa    Claus.  " 

"Yes,  Sonny,  you're  right. 
Mama  has  just  shot  Papa!" 

— Lampoon. 

P.O:  Hey,  shake  a  leg  wid  dat 
paint   woik. 

Swab:  Say,  Rome  wasn't  built 
in   a  day. 

P.O:  I  know  it,  but  1  didn't 
boss  de  job. 

— Huron  Flashlight. 


36 


Goblin 


IN  GREATER 
DEMAND  THAN  EVER 

New    '9^6   Improvements 

Including  New  Type 
ENGINE  and  DEVICE 


Also 
Special 
Rowboats 
and  i  L. 
Canoes 


Call  or  see  or  write 

for 

Descriptive  Literature. 


'The  Greatest  Little  Motor  Boat  Afloat" 
Prices  range  from   $299  to  $575 

lDISAPPBAringPROPELler, 
BOATS 

kOISAPPEARINC  PROPELLER  BOAT  CO..  LIMlTEDi 


1/  ,  TORONTO 


A  New  Product 

[Continued  from  page  16) 
with  them  and  eliminate  them  by 
the    simple    process    of    offering    a 
better    home-made    brand. 

During  the  last  session  the  Fed- 
eral Parliament  has  successfully 
produced  a  scandal  of  large  pro- 
portions. The  general  impression 
everywhere,  on  the  streets,  in  the 
factories,  down  beside  the  gas- 
works, is  that,  as  a  scandal, 
it  is  quite  successful.  If  our 
M.P.'s  can  accomplish  this  with 
the  customs'  department  alone, 
who  knows  what  wonders  they 
might  not  work  in  the  scandal 
line  if  their  scope  was  broadened? 
They  have  shown  a  natural  apti- 
tude   for    the    work. 

It  is  reasonable  to  suppose  that, 
as  they  progressed,  their  tech- 
nique would  improve.  Had  they 
kept  the  customs'  scandal  simpler 
and  eliminated  some  of  its  in- 
tricacies, there  is  little  doubt  that 
its  popularity  would  have  been 
enormously    greater. 

They  have  won  their  spurs. 
Let  us  hope  that  next  session  will 
see  the  inauguration  of  a  policy 
of  Canadian  scandal  for  Canadians 
which  will  turn  the  menace  of 
imported  scandal  sheets  into  a 
laughing-stock. 

*        *        * 

Maybe  Too  Late 

Charlotte:'  'My  fiance's  birthday 
is  next  week  and  I  want  to  give 
him  a  surprise.  What  would 
you    suggest?" 

Martyne:    "Tell   him   your    real 


An  Old  Line 

"Each    hour    I    spend   with    you," 

he  said, 

'Is  like  a  glowing  pearl  to  me." 

The  maiden  tossed  her  curly  head. 

And       murmured       "Aw,       quit 

stringin'  me.  " 

—R.D.L. 
*        *        * 

I  had  heard  a  noise,  had  arisen 
and  gone  downstairs  to  investigate, 
and  now  I  was  confronted  by  three 
burglars.  By  a  stroke  of  good  for- 
tune I  was  enabled  to  defeat  them, 
for  just  then  the  clock  struck  two 
and  I  managed  the  other  fellow. 
—R.  E.  MacL. 


Judging  the  Male  by  the  Mail 

Bam:  "Has  your  son  arrived 
home  yet  for  the  summer  vaca- 
tion?" 

Snap:  "Yes,  I  think  so.  I  hav- 
en't received  a  letter  from  the 
dean  at  the  college  about  his 
behaviour  in   a   month   now!" 


There  was  once  a  thin  man  named 

Jno, 
Whose   clothes    hung    him   loosely 
upno; 
His  facetious  friend's  loans 
Always  were  for  five  bones. 
For  he  looked  like  a  mere  skeletno. 


Dack  Shoes  are  better 


That  is  why  leading  Canadian  men   for 
four  generations  have  been  wearing 


OVER 

100  YEARS 

IN 


OVER 
90  YEARS 

IN 
PRESENT 

SHOP 


""™  j?^Aoe6  /^Jlm 


{from  Maker  to  Wearer) 

73  King  Street  West,  Toronto 
also 

16  Bloor  East     Mount  Royal  Hotel     319  Fort  St.     22  Ciiatiiam  W. 
Toronto,  Ont.  Montreal  Winnipeg  Windsor 


Success  in  sport  is  dependent 
on  physical  fitness.  Whilst 
the  regular  use  of  ENO  is 
not  in  itself  a  guarantee  of 
fitness,  it  nevertheless  does 
assist  very  considerably,  and 
many  sportsmen  find  they 
are  better  able  to  withstand 
continued  effort  and  fatigue 
by  the  occasional  use  of 
Eno's  "Fruit  Salt". 


-^^ 


/< 


O/* 


ATHLETES 


age! 


GoBLII 


37 


Now 

You   I'ell  Us  ( 

Onel 

And  Win  a  Prize 
PRIZES 

f^  OBLIN'S  next  issue  will 

First  Prize:  $20.00  if  win- 

May Limerick  Contest 

Vl    be    the     epoch-marking 
Newspaper        Number, 
and    the   contest   this  month, 
the     results     of     which     will 
be     published     in     our     next 
number,       is    about    newspa- 
pers.    Tell  us  in  fifty  words 
or     less     the     most     amusing 
incident    in    connection    with 

ner     is     a     subscriber     to 
GOBLIN,    or   if    he   sends 
in  a  subscription  with  his 
contribution,  $10.00  if  not 
a  subscriber. 

Five    Prizes    of    $2.00    to 
subscribers,     or     $1.00     to 

•TT^HE  winner  of  the  first'prize  is 
1      Harry  H.  Cunliffe,  2443  49th 
*     Ave.  West,  Vancouver.^tB.C, 

for  the  following  last  line 

Above  is  a  lady  named  Fay, 
Who  was  singing  of  flowers  in  May, 
But  she  struck,  o  high  note. 
Dislocated  her  throat — 
The      improvement      thus      made 
raised  her  pay. 

newspapers     that    you     have 
ever     heard,     or    send     us     a 
clipping  of  the  funniest  typo- 

non-subscribers. 
Subscriptions     may    be 

The  five  second  prizes  of  one  or 
two   dollars   go   to   the   authors     of 
the  following  last  lines: 

graphical    error    or     "break" 

sent  in  with  answers  by 

that  has  come  to  your  notice. 

using   the   form    below. 

And  some  ear  drums  as  well^Jby  the 

Prizes    will     be    awarded     to 
the  sender  of  the  most  laugh- 

'Way. 
R.   P.   Pangman.    33   Elgin  Ave.. 
Toronto. 

able  contribution    concerning 

'^R      ^^ 

our       Moulders      of       Public 

'Twas   a    wreck   on    the     high     seas 

Opinion. 

(C's),  they  say. 
Miss  H.   Fairbairn,|,The  Library 

Send    in    as    many    contri- 

J\^»^       ^^^^ 

University  of  Toronto. 

butions  as  you  like,  provided 

i:    '     ' 

j^>^:^?,    iz^M,^ 

So  they  "say  it  with  flowers  "today! 

they      come        in        separate 
envelopes. 

t 

T 

"X  ^/13i«2aPHk 

Miss  R.  A,  Battle,  Thorold,  Ont. 
Friends  said  it  with  posies  next  day. 

r 

1 

■1 

-1 

f  ^^^^^K 

Goblin    reserves    the    right 

■^ 

t 

^f^^ 

C.  R.  Coulter,  835  Hunter  Bldg.. 
Ottawa,  Ont. 

to    retain    newspaper    stories 

V 

5^ 

u 

m^  "  S^^              J 

which     did     not     win   prizes, 

And  now  she  is  toting  a  tray. 

for  publication  in  later  issues. 

r^  fik^i,(%^flHP  '-^'^^^B^ 

A.  E.  Cutler,  Box  454,  Oshawa, 

in   which   case   payment   will 

Ont. 

be   made  at  the  usual   rates. 

Send     in     your    stories    or 

^■''^'*^^^*^^"      Q^^..o^'>S~^— 

Honourable  mention  goes  to  the 
following: 

clippings     early     and     watch 
for        this        truly        amusing 

RULES 

Mrs.  Gales,  Cascade  Inn, 
Shawinigan  Falls.J^P.Q. 

number. 

(1)   Prizes  go  to  the  sender 
of  the  cleverest  and  most 

M.  Heming,  c/o  Heming  Bros., 
Hamilton,   Ont. 

Enclosed  please  find  $ 

amusing  contribution. 

Mary  M.  Murray, 

247      Kensington      Ave.,      West- 
mount.    P.Q. 

for  which  send  Goblin  for  one 

(2)   Contributions  must  be 

year  to 

in  our  hands  by  June  30th. 

R.  D.   Colquette, 

134     Arlington      St.,      Winnipeg. 

Name  

(3)   Results    will    be    pub- 

Man.   . 

Address  

lished  in  the  July  number 
of  GOBLIN. 

A.  D.  Talbot, 

92  Lome  Ave.,  .St.  Lambert,  P.Q. 

Town 

(4)   Members   of    the    firm 

Mrs.  Brooks, 

26A  Wolfe  St.,  Sherbrooke,  P.Q. 

One    Year,    $3.00     Two    Years. 
$5.00. 

may    not    win    prizes. 

(3)   Send    as  many  contri- 
butions as  you  wish. 

J.  T.  Sebben, 

Windsor  Block,  Stratford. 

38 


Goblin 


Other  Victims 

"What?  Marry  you?  You 
should  knew  better!" 

"I  do,  but  none  of  them  will 
have  me." 

— Crocker. 

^  ^  ^ 

"Hey,  Nigger,  where  did  you 
get  dat  diamond?" 

"Why,  my  Uncle  died  and  left 
me  $5,000  to  erect  a  stone  to  his 
memory,  and,  Snowball,  dat  am 
de  stone." 

— Leathcrmck- 

*  *        * 

"Were  you  copying  his  paper?" 
"No  sir,    1    was  only  looking    to 
see  if  he  had  mine  right." 

— -Harvard   Lampoon. 

*  *        * 

A  man  in  the  hospital  for  mental 
cases  sat  fishing  over  the  flower 
bed.  A  visitor,  wishing  to  be  affable, 
remarked:  'How  many  have  you 
caught?" 

"You're  the  ninth,"  was  the 
reply. 

— DePaw  Daily. 


Stude  (writing):  "1  would  write 
more,  sweetheart,  but  my  roommate 
is  reading  every  word  over  my 
shoulder." 

Roommate:  "You're  a  dirty 
liar." 

—  Whirlwind. 
Tve  got  a  date  with  a  couple  of 
actresses.      Want  to  come? 

"Sorry,  I  can't  go.  You  see 
it  might  injure  my  amateur  stand- 
ing. " 


"/  cannot  marry  you,  but  I  will 
be  a  sister  to  you!" 

"Good.  How  much  do  you  think, 
we  shall  inherit  from  our  father  ?" 

— Sondagsnisse-Strix,  Stockholm. 


Fair  Enough 

Mere  Man:  "Come  on,  have  a 
drink." 

Phi  Beta:  "I  don't  drink,  but 
I'll  have  a  lead  pencil  on  you.  " 

—  Yale    Record. 

^  ^  ^ 

He:    "May    I    hold   your   hand?" 
She:    'Well,      1      suppose     you'll 
have    to    start    with    the    prelimin- 
aries. "  — Punch   Bowl. 

Kind  old  party:  "I  hear  you 
buried  your  wife  yesterday,  Mr. 
Kaupp.  " 

"Veil,  mein  Gott,  I  had  to. 
She   vass  dead." 

— Harvard  Lampoon. 

'Tis  Unfair 

Mr.  O'Bryan:  "By  golly,  I'm 
tired  tonight." 

Mrs.  O'Brien:  "There  you  go 
again.  You're  tired.  Here  I've 
been  standing  over  a  hot  stove 
all  day  and  you  working  in  a  nice 
cool  sewer." 

— Punch   Bowl. 


Goblin 


39 


VACATION! 

Make  this  magazine  your 
companion  during  the  summer. 
Take  a  long,  lazy  revel  in  our 
pleasure  pool. 

No  expense  is  being  spared 
to  give  you  an  exact  combina- 
tion of*beauty  and  horseplay. 

We  are  eager  for  under- 
graduate contributions.  If  you 
can  write  something  that  brings 
a  smile  or  pinches  the  heart — 
we  want  it! 


\KUIl  K  Ull  1     ,^    I 
Ulls  snsitR  MDMKOSS 


G)ll^eHymor 


On  Sale  Everywhere 

June  1 


Cautious 

He — "Would  you  be  my  wife?" 
She — "Oh,  yes." 

He — "And  you  would  marry  me?" 
She    (breathlessly) — "My    darling!" 
He — "Then  you  are  really  willing  to  be  my  wife?" 
She — "Yes,  yes." 

He  (murmuring  to  himself) — "1  think  that  settles 
it.      I   believe   1   shall  propose." 

— Illinois  Siren. 

*        *        * 

Guard  (showing  visitor  through  violent  ward  in 
other  institution) — "These  are  sad  cases,  sir.  These 
poor  fellows  in  here  all  think  they're  automobile 
mechanics." 

Visitor — "1  don't  see  anybody  in  here.  Where 
are    they?" 

Guard — "Under  the  bed  working  on  the  springs." 

—  Ok.lahoma     Whirlwind . 

*  *        * 

Sophisticated  maid  (trying  to  arouse  the  interest 
of  an  indifferent  Yale  senior) — "Look  out,  Johnny, 
I'm  going  to  scare  you.  (Kisses  him.)  Now,  Johnny, 
you  scare  me.  " 

Johnny — "Boo!"  — Record. 

*  *        * 

St.  Peter — "I  hope  you'll  like  it  here,  sir." 
Californian — "Let's  see  your  climate  records." 

— College    Comics. 


Am  You? 

"Black  boy,  is  you  all  gwine  to  pay  me  dat  ten 
dollars  sudden?  " 

"Ah   ain't  saying  ah  ain't." 

"Ah  ain't  askin'  is  you  ain't;  ah'm  askin'  you 
ain't   you   is?  "  — Frivol. 

Her — "I  heard  you  went  to  a  ball  game  last  Sun- 
day instead  of  to  church.  " 

It — "That's  a  lie!     And  I've  got  a  fish  to  prove 

it."  ^Purple   Parrot. 

*  *        * 

Voice  over   the  phone — "Is  Mike   Howe   there? 
At   the   other   end   of    the   wire — "What   do  you 
think     this     is — the     stockyards?"  — Awgwan. 

*  *        * 

Woman  to  Wed  Eighth  Time 

Often  a  bride,  but  never  a  bridesmaid! 

The  Twin  Cities  are  at  it  again.  The  other  day 
a  Minneapolitan  strolled  into  a  fruit  store  in  St. 
Paul,  picked  up  a  huge  watermelon  and  said,  "Humph! 
Is  this  the  largest  apple  you  have  in  St.  Paul?" 

The  proprietor  rushed  forth  and  bellowed,  "Hey! 
Put     down     that     grape."  — Literary  Digest. 

*  *        * 

"Some  friend  give  you  that  cigar?  " 

"I    don't    know    yet."  ^Chaparral. 


40 


Go 


BLIN 


London  Cigarettes 


20 /-35? 


T40 


J'l^rTarej^ton 

P*P«  SMOKING  MIXTURE 


Rather   Phoney 

"Hello!  hello!  Operator,  give  me  Columbus  1492." 

"Just  a  minute;  here's  your  party.  " 

"Hello!  I  want  to  ordera  box  for  to-morrow  night." 

"What  size?" 

"A  good  big  one;  there  will  be  six  in  the  party." 

"But  they  only  come  in  single  sizes;  we'll  have  to 
have  it  made  special.      It  will  take  a  couple  of  days." 

"But  why  should  it?  1  don't  want  to  wait  that 
long." 

"Well,  you  had  better  try — " 

"Isn't  this  the  Ford  Theatre?  " 

"No,  sir,  this  is  the  undertaker." 

—  Voo    Doo. 

*  *        * 

Small  Boy  (punching  rabbit  viciously):  "How 
much  is  two  and  two." 

Kindly  Old  Man:  "Son,  what  do  you  mean  by 
punching  that  poor  little  rabbit  and  yelling.  How 
much  is  two  and  two?  " 

Small  Boy:  "I'll  punch  the  darn  thing  all  I  want. 
My  father  said  that  rabbits  multiply  rapidly  and 
I  can't  even  get  this  one  to  add.  " 

— Rensselaer  Poly-Pup. 

*  *        * 

Physics  Professor:  "Give  me  an  example  of  like 
attracting  like." 

Stude:  "Pop  drank  some  wood  alcohol  and  it 
went  to  his  head.  " 

—Red  Cat. 


was   then    that   we 
We  knew  it  must 


Tragedy 

He  sat  at  his  desk  all  hunched  up  as  though  he 
were  crying.  Thinking  he  might  want  sympathy  we 
asked: 

"What's  the  matter?     Girl  can't  come?" 

He  shook  his  head. 

"Flunk  your  finals?  " 

Again   he   shook   his   head.      It 
noticed    the   letter. 

"Gee,  old  man,  that's  too  bad. 
be  bad  news  from  home.  " 

"Yes,  "  he  said  sobbingly,  "we'll  never  get  another 
canary    like    little    Dicky." 

— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantern 

*  *        * 
Rapid  Transit 

Conductor  onB.andM.:  "I've  been  on  this  train 
for  seven  years.  " 

Girl  (en  toute  to  carnival).-  "Is  that  so?  Where 
did  you  get  on?"  — Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantern 

*  *        * 

"Professor,  what  is  the  purpose  of  a  vacation?  " 
"To   enable    your    parents    to    see    what    they    are 
spending  their  money  on.  " 

— Dartmouth  Jack-o-Lantern 

*  *        * 

Caller:  "Really,  you  know,  medical  science  cannot 
be  depended  upon.  I  was  frightfully  sick  and  the 
doctors  said  that  there  was  no  chancefor  my  recovery." 

Bored:  "Yes,  it  is  too  bad  they  are  not  more 
reliable."  — Notre  Dame  Juggler 

*  *        * 

Fair  Play 

Rector:     "Is  that  your  cigarette  stub?" 
Student:     "Go  ahead,   father,  you   saw  it   first." 

— Notre  Dame  Juggler 

Lemon:     "Why  is  Franklin   so  stuck-up?  " 
Tree:     "His  son  was  on  the  college  football  team 
and    graduated."  — Notre  Dame  Juggler 

*  *        * 

"Working  now?  " 
"Yeh." 

"What  doing?  " 
"Ambassador.  " 
"Diplomatic  service?" 
"Naw.      Bellhop.  " 

— Purple  Parrot. 

"Now  that  we're  engaged,  dear,  how  do  you  think 
I'll  strike  your  mother?  " 

"Oh,  John,   won't  you  wait  until  we're  married, 
at  least?  " 

— Mercury. 

*  *        * 

Prof:      "Use  'migrate'  in  a  sentence." 
Freshman:     "My     great     grandfather     came    from 
Virginia.  "  — Denison     Flamingo 

*  *        * 

Having  to  pay  alimony  is  like  feeding  oats  to  a 
dead   horse.  — Georgia   Tech    Yellow  Jacket 


GOBLII 


41 


Are  You  Going  Away  This 
Summer? 

The  enjoyment  of  your  vacation  at  your  favorite 
summer  resort  or  cottage  will  be  greatly  incresed 
by  the  daily  arrival  of  your  favorite  newspaper, 
keeping  you  in  touch  with  the  events  of  the 
busy  world. 

It  is  worth  noting  that  The  Mail  and  Empire 
reaches  most  summer  resort  points  in  Ontario 
on  the  same  day  that  it  is  published  in  Toronto. 

Canada's  Most  Interesting  Newspaper. 


$5.00  BY  MAIL.     $6.00  DELIVERED 


42 


Go 


BLIN 


'Jhe 

Nabob 


Other  sizes  of  same 
style    brush    at   pro- 
!     portionate  prices. 


Pure  Badger  Hair 
or  pure  Bristles  do 
not  carry  anthrax 
germs.  Avoid 
cheap  substitutes. 


32 


\yor3ualltt/  and  Milue 
you  cant  beat 

(  SET    IN    RUBBER  ) 

Lather 
Brushes 

made  in  Canada  hi/  Cctnadians 
in  a  hygienic  Cctnadian   waj/. 


As  You  Like  It 

The  villain  pursues  her.  Bang 
— bang!  The  hero  cleans  his  re- 
volver. The  villain's  body  cleans 
the  pavement.    That's  melodrama. 

The  villain  pursues  him.  Bang 
— bang!  The  villain  cleans  his 
revolver.  The  hero's  body  cleans 
the    pavement.       That's    tragedy. 

The  hero  pursues  him.  Bang 
— bang!  The  hero  cleans  his  re- 
volver. The  villain's  body  cleans 
the  pavement.  The  victor  sings 
about  it.     That's  opera. 

The  heroine  pursues  him.  Bang 
bang!  The  heroine  cleans  her  re- 
volver. Both  the  villain  and  hero 
are  stretched  out  on  the  pavement. 
That's   comedy. 

The  cop  pursues  him.  Bang — 
bang — bang!  The  cop  misses. 
That's    burlesque. 


Ticket  Seller  to  Attendant:  "Take 
down  that  S.R.O.  sign.  The  house 
just  doubled  up  with  laughter. 

*  *  g^    *  ; 

The  Only  Way 

Mrs.  Jones:  So  your  daughter 
is  going  to  be  a  movie  star?" 

Mrs.  Smith:  "Well,  what  can 
I  do?  She  can  hardly  read  or 
write!  " 

-Life. 

*  *        * 

"Say,  conductor,  what  have  we 
stopped  for  now,  "  asked  the  irate 
passenger. 

"We're  taking  on  water,  sir," 
replied  the  conductor  easily. 

"Well,"  growled  the  incorrigible, 
"why  the  hell  don't  you  get  another 
teaspoon.  " 

—Ziffs. 


The  Urge 

Susie — "Papa,  what  makes  a 
man  always  give  a  woman  a 
diamond    ring?" 

Father — "The    woman." 

— Tiger, 

*  *        * 

Betsy  Ross — "1  call  my  husband 
'twinkle,  little  star.' 

Mad  Anthony — "Why,  because 
he's   constant?" 

Betsy  Ross — "No,  because  1 
wonder  where  he  is." 

— Tiger 

*  *       * 

An  Old  One 

An  old  Scotch  lady  on  her  death 
bed  was  discussing  her  funeral 
arrangements    with    her    husband. 

"Ye  know,  John,"  she  said, 
"ye  haven't  spoken  to  my  sister, 
Annie,  for  twenty  years  and  my 
dying  wish  is  that  ye  drive  to  the 
funeral  in  the  same  carriage  with 
Annie." 

"I'll  do  it,"  replied  John,  sadly, 
"but  I'm  telling  ye  it  will  entirely 
spoil  the  day  for  me!" 

- — Bison. 


-2^ 


Niagara   Falls  Tourists   Prefer 
This  Buffalo  Hotel 

CANADIANS  like  the  home-like  comfort 
of  this  modern,  fire-proof  hotel,  with 
its  complete  service,  attractive  outside 
rooms  and  excellent  cuisine. 

Hotel  Lenox  is  not  too  large  for  personal 
attention  to  guests — 250  rooms.  Quietly 
situated,  convenient  to  shops,  clubs  and 
theatres.  The  rates  are  moderate — 32.00 
to  35.00  per  day  for  single  rooms;  33.00  to 
37.00  per  day  for  double  rooms. 

Special  taxi  service  to  the  Hotel.  Ask 
the  VanDyke  Agent  at  the  Station  or 
Wharf. 

Motorists  follow  Main  Street  or  Dela- 
ware Avenue  to  North  Street. 
On  the  Empire  and  Great  Lakes  Tours. 
Write  for  FREE  Road  Guides,  Maps 
and  Hotel  Booklet. 

HOTEL  LENOX 

North  St.  just  west  of  Delaware  Ave. 

BUFFALO,  N.  Y. 
CLARENCE   A.   MINER,  President 


Gob 


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43 


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Absent-Minded 

"The  Professor  has  gone  back  to 
Sv^fitzerland  for  his  lungs." 

"Dear  old  man.  Just  the  same 
as  ever.  Always  leaving  things 
behind." 

— Gaiety. 

*        *        * 

Small  Child:  Mother,  did  you 
know  Moses  had  indigestion  like 
you  have?  My  Sunday  School 
teacher  told  me  the  Lord  gave 
him   two   tablets." 

—  Widow. 

^  ^  ^ 

His  Old  Man:  My  son,  I  don't 
want  to  see  you  in  this  state  again." 

The  Son:  Wash'  a  matter.  Dad? 
Have   we   moved?" 

— Purple  Cow. 


n/'!4y  t' 


Good /Eur 

mthe 


After 
every  meal 


"Why  didn't  you  salute  me  in  the 

street  yesterday?  " 

"I  didn't  see  you,  captain." 
"Good.     I    thought    perhaps    you 

were  cross  with  me." 

— Journal  Amusant,  Paris. 


Tough  Luck 

No.  16550!  (jumping  up  in 
rage  after  the  prison  movie  show): 
"Dammit,  a  serial,  and  I'm  to  be 
hung   next   week." 

— Denver    Parral^eet. 

*  *        * 

"I  want  some  golf  balls  for  a 
gentleman,    please.  " 

"Certainly,  madam.  What  sort 
does  he  like?" 

"Well,  the  only  time  I  saw  him 
play  he  used  a  small  white  ball. 
But  I  cannot  say  I  gathered  the 
impression  that  he  exactly  liked 
it." 

— Punch. 

*  *        * 

Item  in  Scotch  newspaper: 
"Sandy  McAbrams  is  doing  nicely 
after  his  donation  of  sixpence  to 
the  Starving   Armenian    Fund." 

— Brown  Jug. 

*  *        * 

"Now,  children,"  said  the 
teacher,      "what    are    parakeets?" 

"Twins,"  shouted  little  Giuseppi 
Grannuci. 

— Chaparral. 

*  *        * 

"1  hang  my  head  in  shame  every 
time  1  see  the  family  wash  in  the 
back  yard." 

"Oh,   do  they?" 

—Froth. 

"Have    you    a    cigarette?" 
"Yes,    plenty,    thank   you." 

— Flamingo. 


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Goblin 


<d^ 


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nyo 


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-*     '^'^  n^'^  ^^^"^  ^^''  <^      -i^"'  <J''<,e-'*'   \- 


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Goblin 


45 


Books 

Continued  from  page  34 

tourist  from  the  States.  When 
you  get  tired  of  being  ashamed  of 
the  Peters  you  get  bored  with  the 
book,  or  vice  versa.  The  pub- 
lishers' blurb  actually  calls  this 
humorous!  The  joke  is  on  the 
reader ! 

MICROBE  HUNTERS.  By  Paul 
dc  Kruif.  George  J.  McLeod 
Ltd.,  Toronto:  $3.50. 
Surely  this  must  be  the  winner 
of  the  award  of  highest  public 
esteem  and  approval  for  the  best 
piece  of  1926  non-fiction.  While 
the  name  describes  the  contents 
exactly,  don't,  if  your  tastes  in 
reading  run  only  to  fiction,  allow 
it  to  deter  you  from  dipping  into 
the  highly  adventurous,  always 
fascinating  and  brilliantly  des- 
criptive recital  of  de  Kruif  in 
this  book.  In  setting  forth  the 
heroic,  painstaking  and  success- 
ful studies  and  experiments  made 
by  the  famous  men  of  the  micro- 
scope who  were  the  pioneers  in 
bacteriology,  there  is  not  one  dull 
page  in  the  three  hundred  and 
fifty-six.  The  portraits  of  the 
eleven  men  considered  are  thrown 
on  their  canvasses  with  all  the 
swiftness  and  precision  of  a  news- 
reel,  and  ever  in  the  raciness  of 
the  idiom  is  there  a  minuteness 
of  detail  that  gives  you  a  feeling 
of  knowing  "all  the  players.  " 
If  Goblin  ever  prints  a  complete 


THE 

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TEA  ROOMS 

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AFTERNOON  TEA 

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Sunday  night  supper  will  be 
served  in  Annex  until  9.30 

Telephone:  R.  4382 


Right  in  fashion 
if  you  wear  a 

POUCH 
BAG 


Fickle  fashion  fancies  the  high  lights  in  color 
to-day  whether  it  be  in  things  to  wear  or  things 
akin  to  it. 

In  the  Pouch  Bag,  for  instance — the  vogue  of 
the  moment — the  handy  reticule  for  women. 

Shown  in  twelve  new  summer  colors,  vivid  and  soft,  but 
bright  pastel  shades,  in  Sheep,  Morocco,  Calf  and  Seal 
leathers — a  group  of  about  forty  different  sizes  and  shapes — soft, 
pliable,  serviceable — smart  in  appearance. 

You  are  not  just  in  fashion  without  a  Pouch  Bag. 

Best  stores  everywhere  sell  them.  Insist  on  a  "Julian  Sale  " 
Pouch  Bag — look  for  label  inside.      Priced 

$3.00  -  $5.00  -  $7.50  -  $10.00 
and  up  to  $20.00 

Sold  in  Toronto  by 

THE  JULIAN  SALE  LEATHER  GOODS  COMPANY 

Limited 

105  King  Street  West 


list  of  the  3,897,546  good  things 
it  has  given  its  circle  of  family 
readers,  high  up  will  be  marked: 
"June,  1926— Read  "Microbe 
Hunters.  " 


THE  PIPER'S  FEE.  By  Samuel 
Hopkins  Adams.  Toronto.:  Thomas 
Allen,  Publisher.    $2.00. 

Type:  Cinderella.  Time:  Pre- 
sent. Mr.  Adams  has  undoubtedly 
been  influenced  by  that  type  of 
English  author  who  constantly 
succeeds  in  marrying  the  mill-girl 
to  the  earl.  Mr.  Adams  lays  stress 
on  the  veil  which  enshrouds  the  sou/ 
of  Dorothea,  the  young  heroine. 
Perhaps  if  this  veil  were  torn  aside, 
the  reader  might  feel  more  in  con- 
tact with  this  daughter  of  the 
people.  Finding  his  youthful  char- 
acter somewhat  insipid,  Mr.  Adams 


turns  with  evident  relief  to  the 
portrayal  of  Augusta  Ruyland,  the 
suzeraine  of  the  Ruyland  fortunes. 
Now  Mr.  Adams  is  on  much 
happier  ground,  although  Augusta 
is  an  anomaly  in  these  modern 
times.  The  book  taxes  the  imagin- 
ation to  understand  how  the  Ruy- 
lands  of  culture  and  education 
make  such  bosom  friends  of  mur- 
derers of  the  English  language. 
Lovers  of  this  type  of  fiction  will 
find  plenty  of  thrills  from  the  new 
version  of  "Whose  is  the  baby?" 


We  admire  pure  grit  and  all  that, 
but  we're  darned  if  we  like  it  in  our 
spinach. 


■Voo  Doo. 


46 


Goblin 


QiiickRelief 

M    CUTS 
^       BURNS 
BITES 


D  odd's  Antiseptic  Healing  Ointment 
is  a  safe,  soothing  treatment  for  all  skin 
abrasions,  infections  and  irritations.  Its 
powerful,  antiseptic  action  prevents  infec- 
tion of  open  wounds  and  enables  the 
exceptional  healing  qualities  of  this  famous 
ointment  to  quickly  relieve  pain  and  irrita- 
tion and  bring  about  a  speedy  recovery. 

Dodds 

Antiseptic -Healing 

OINTMENT 

for  cuts,  burns,  scalds,  bites,  sore  feet, 
abscesses,  old  sores,  boils,  eczema,  piles, 
ulcers,  hives  and  all  diseases  of  the  skin. 
Absolutely  pure  and  non-irritating.  An 
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This   Is  the   Last 

We  met  a  girl  the  other  day 
— dumb — thought  Joan  of  Arc 
was   one   of    Noah's   daughters. 

*        *        * 

"I'm  going  to  kiss  you,  honey. 

"Do  you  want  me  to  cry  for 
help?" 

"No.  thank  you,  dear,  I  don't 
need   any.  "  — Flamingo 


"Can   the   Rajah   play   bridge?" 
"Certainly.     He  makes  a  grand 

salaam  every  time  he  sits  down." 

*        *        * 

There's    one    dumb    guy    in     this 
dumb     town. 
The  keeper  ought  to  catch; 
I   saw  him  telling    time  last  night 
On  a  sundial — with  a  match. 

— Moonshine- 


A  Recital 

[Continued from  page  19: 
the  bunch  liked  him  very  much, 
always  thought  he  was  a  fake. 
Well,  one  night  they  had  a  sing 
down  at  the  bong  fire  and  they 
asked  this  gink  would  he  play 
something,  and  he  said  what  did 
they  want  and  I  said  'The  Prison- 
er's Song'  and  would  you  believe  it, 
he  said  he'd  never  heard  of  it. 
Can  you  tie  that?  I  liked  show- 
ing him  up  though,  and  I  sure  did. 
He  got  up  and  left  and  none  of 
the  bunch  has  seen  him  since. 
Oh,  what  a  fake!  I  hate  fakes, 
don't  you? 

Some  people  can't  stand  reci- 
tals, you  know.  I'm  so  glad  you're 
different.  I  can  just  sit  still  for- 
ever listening  to  good  music.  Like 
at  the  movies,  when  they  play 
something  in  between,  some  girls 
and  fellows  want  to  talk  all  the 
time  and  spoil  it  all.  I  always  say 
they  can't  really  be  real  music 
lovers,  now,  can  they.  Do  you 
think  they  can?  Neither  do  I. 
I  don't  think  they  can.  Maybe 
some  people  think  they  can  but 
I  don't  think  they  can.  Really, 
that  is.  What  are  they  going  to 
play  now?  Wagner?  I  guess  he 
must  be  a  foreigner.  What,  a 
German?  Oh,  well,  I  don't  really 
think  we  ought  to  have  any  hard 
feelings  now  that  the  war  is  over. 
But  then,  of  course,  if  we  go  on  en- 
couraging them,  playing  all  their 
music  and  everything,  they  may 
get  as  bad  as  ever,  don't  you 
think?  Still  if  you  really  love 
music  like  you  and  I — what's 
that?  You're  going.  Aren't  you 
going  to  stay?  Say,  I  don't  be- 
lieve you  really  like  music  at  all. 
I  bet  you  just  brought  me  here  to 
make  a  good  impression.  I  bet 
you're  just  another  fake,  that's  all. 
Where  did  you  say?  The  Jazz- 
erina  Inn?  Oh,  sure,  I'd  love  to 
go.      How    did    you    know     I    was 

just  dippy  over  dancing? 

*        *        * 

There    was    a   young    man    named 
Teedle, 
Who  wouldn't  accept  his  degree; 
He  said,  "It's  enough  to  be  Teedle 
Without  being  Teedle,  D.D.  " 

*        *        *       — Frivol. 
Hopeful  Parent — "Well,  my  son, 
how    did    you    come    out    in    your 
examinations.?" 

Subtle  Son — "With,   E'ees,  sir." 
— Ranger. 


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